Tina

Tina jumps out of bed. She feels as though she may explode from anticipation. She spends the morning practicing poses in her bathroom while putting on all her makeup. Her outfit was already laying out, she picked that out days ago. After perfecting her makeup and facial expressions she decides to head out.

Tina arrives at her destination with her mother in tow. Her mother is acting photographer for the day. Tina strips off the top layers of clothes until there was nothing left but a tan two piece that some may say is a little too revealing. Her feet are bare as she wants to show as much skin as possible. Tina finds a doorway of an old building that's in the middle of the city and decides that is the perfect spot.

Tina spends the next several hours making poses while her mother photographs. Every few shots Tina runs over to the camera to make certain the photos are high enough quality. Tina uses all her feminine might to pose as provocatively as possible. She does the splits to expose her femininity, she caresses herself, she teases the camera with the possibility of one of her breasts being exposed.

Tina is oblivious to the stream of passersby, most of whom don't know what to make of the situation. A group of older women walk by, half are overcome with disgust while the other half are overcome with sympathy. Men stop to ogle her; some can't look away while others can't seem to bring themselves to look. It's not every day you see a barley clothed woman posing provocatively in public while her mother photographs.

Tina lives in a world where self-esteem is earned through a beauty contest that can never be won. She has been taught her entire life that she only matters if others think she's beautiful. She can't have any flaws, she can't have any fat, she can't have any blemishes. She needs to be a certain size and shape. Tina knows that the sexier the pose, the more likes she'll get. The more skin that is showing the more likes. If enough people like her, then she will know for sure that she matters.

Tina has noticed recently that men seem to look at her more often. She noticed that her friends have been treating her different lately too. Men have been so sweet and kind to her. Some women are mean to her, but she knows they're just jealous of her beauty.

Tina doesn't understand why her entire life has changed and why everyone around her treats her differently so unexpectedly. Tina is aware of the fact that people seem to like to look at her body and the more of her body that can be seen, the better. Tina doesn't understand why her world has been flipped upside down all because "she's a woman now" according to her mother.

Tina had recently turned twelve. It feels like yesterday she was having tea parties with her stuffed animals. Before she knew it, she got her period and became a woman. Her breasts started to grow and for the first time in her life, people were paying attention to her. 

Tina is blissfully unaware of the fact that her world sexualizes children. She doesn't have the slightest comprehension of what sex even is, all she knows is what she learned in health class which is basically here's a penis and here's a vagina and they go together to make a baby.

Tina has no idea that her world views her as a sexual object. She just wants to be liked, and she knows that being "sexual" will make people like her. It won't be long before she finds out what sex is and what her world is like. It won't be long before a man old enough to be her father tries to feel her up in the mall. It won't be long before she doesn't even feel safe walking alone. It won't be long before she's had her heart broken by a guy who swore he Loved her, only to leave after she opened her soul up to him. It won't be long before she believes that no man will ever Love her for who she is and the only way to get Love is by letting people use her.

Tina never stood a chance.

Gender

If you have a penis in this world, you are taught that erections are forbidden, erections are to be hidden and shamed. You are not allowed to have an erection in front of other people since you would have the police called on you.

People with penises are forced to suppress their erections their entire lives. Then if the day comes when they can’t get an erection anymore, then they have a “dysfunction”. Couldn’t it be possible the “dysfunction” was a result of a lifetime of suppression?

All of this is honestly pretty absurd as it is since erections aren’t sexual. Wait, what, how can that be, I mean they are used for sex, right? Well, if sex were the only time an erection happened than yes, they would be sexual. Ask anyone with a penis and they will most assuredly tell you that sex is rarely the only time you get an erection. Erections happen during sleep, erections happen if you have to pee, erections happen because the wind blew just right, and erections happen because it’s Tuesday. Most of time there’s not really any reasoning for the erection to have occurred.

Just to recap, people with penises are forced to suppress a completely natural process of their bodies that they have no control over, and when they lose that natural function from a lifetime of suppression, they are considered “dysfunctional “. Doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense if you ask me.

Now we move on to people with vulvas. I’m going to say this as simply as I can, no need to overthink it, I mean what I say, no hidden message or metaphors. For those of you that are unaware, the only reason people with vulvas aren’t allowed to have uncovered nipples, is because they are being suppressed. That’s it, it’s that simple. Mammals have nipples, doesn’t matter if a mammal has a penis or a vagina, if it’s a mammal, it has nipples. So, since mammals have nipples, then why is it that the human female it the only mammal on the planet whose nipples are too sexual to be seen. Well, it's because it about suppression, that’s it, nothing more.

Anyone who falls outside the generic male or female illusion are suppressed to shut them up, can’t let the secret get out. The secret that genders aren’t real, it’s just another way to divide humans. That’s how society is kept under control, with suppression, division, and fear. If a society is too busy fighting each other and blaming each other and being afraid of each other then they won’t look at the ones who are actually making their lives miserable.

Let’s dive into how and why gender is made up to keep us divided. First, we can start with the fact that we are all the same species. We all are human, ultimately that should be all that matters, we should just all be humans that are in this life together. To clear things up, I'm not someone who doesn't understand the concept of gender, I understand what gender is within society, I understand the scientific and biological definitions of gender. Biologically speaking gender is real. I'm simply referring to the fact that it is given way more meaning than it actually has. The only time gender is relevant is if wanting to create offspring, outside of that it honestly doesn't have any relevance.

When referring to humans, it's always "he" or "she", "man" or "woman", it's never just human. When referring to species outside of humans, it's most often just the name of the species. Most often gender isn't even thought about when discussing other species. It's not that other species don't have genders, biologically speaking yes, they do. There are a lot of species that most of us can't even tell what the gender is and don't even care enough to find out, we are satisfied with just knowing the species name. 

For some weird wacked out reason, gender is vitally important for humans. So much so that our entire society has rules based on our genders and we are kept utterly divided as a society. Yes, I hear you, there are so many other aspects of ourselves that are used to divide us also, today we are specifically focusing on gender though. We have laws and rules about gender. Some are being viewed as "outdated" and others live strong. Where do we even start? Men can't like pink, men can't cry, men can't like pretty things such as flowers. With woman, the rules basically just mimic that "woman are less than men", and "woman are subservient to men".

Have you ever looked into the definitions of "man" and "woman"? Here let me do it for you. Here's one source posted to the Washington Post by Joel Achenbach, which explains it well and in a simple way. It states that; In fact, "woman" derives from the Old English word "wifman," from the roots "wif" and "man." A woman (wifman) was a "wife-person." ("Man" was the generic word for human being. Though of course there was no word meaning "husband-person.")

To reiterate, Man means human being, and woman means wife of human being. Automatically downgrading woman to second class citizens and not being viewed as human. Feel free to look for more sources on your own. The truth is gender isn't essential to who we are. We are human, we are life, we are literally in this life together. Instead of arguing over what each "gender" should be doing or wearing, we should see each other as equals and work together to create a better life for all.

Suppression of gender leads to confusion, gender dysphoria, and depression. Some of us spend so much of our lives trying to figure out "what gender we are" and most often we can't figure it out. We can't figure it out because there are no concrete qualities that can be applied to any one gender. Some of us become so overwhelmed, it often becomes too much for many of us. If you are reading this, YOU ARE A HUMAN, it doesn't matter what gender you are, YOU MATTER!!! Please don't let society crush you, be whoever you want to be, be whatever gender you want to be or none at all, cause in the end I promise you it doesn't matter, we all come into this world the same way and we all leave it the same way. You are Loved, even when you feel alone. You are beautiful, even if you don't believe it. You are perfect, even if you can't see it. Peace be with you.

Our Actions Define Us

It has been said that our actions define us. That is simply a false statement. It is a common belief in this world that our actions, which include our words, define who we are. We spend all of our time, trying desperately to not let anyone find out about certain actions that we have done all the while trying desperately to focus attention on someone else's actions. If people are looking at someone else, then they aren't looking at me.

We all have something that we have done that we don't want anyone to find out about because we know that if people find out about it, they will see us differently and judge us. Everyone has something that they have done that they aren't proud of or that they're ashamed of. Our entire identity then gets created around hiding certain parts of ourselves. Since our actions do not define who we are, and they are just a part of us, then suppressing any part of ourselves leads to misery.

I heard it said by many, including news organizations, that when George Floyd (R.I.P.) was murdered by those police officers, that he deserved it, because he was a criminal. I'm not getting into the dynamics of why people are criminals in the first place, I actually covered that topic in one of my books already. The point is even if George Floyd (R.I.P.) was a criminal and only a criminal, which ignores every single other aspect of him, he still didn't deserve to be murdered just because he "was a criminal". We Live in a country where we have courts and judges and laws and rights, including a right to a fair trial. The truth is, it simply doesn't matter who or what George Floyd (R.I.P.) was because he deserved his day in court. His action of stealing was used as a justification to murder him.

Another thing we do is dig up one mistake from someone's past and ruin their lives over it. Someone may be a complete humanitarian and devote their entire lives to the betterment of humanity but as soon as it gets out that they told a racist joke one time at a party, they become a pariah and are viewed as a racist while every positive aspect of them gets ignored. If someone has a bad day and becomes a "Karen" and someone records them and puts it on the internet, they can be faced with losing their livelihood, friends, and possibly even family. All because of one stupid mistake or one bad day.

We all do stupid shit from time to time, most of us are really good at hiding it, while others aren't so lucky, and their mistakes get out into the world, and they become defined by that mistake. The truth is that for every stupid or mean thing that we do, there are thousands of things that we do that are Loving and kind, but those get overlooked as soon as one little mistake comes out.

If our actions don't define us in this world, then what does? In simplest terms, there is no one part of us that can be used to define us. We have so many parts of ourselves that make up ourselves. Actions, words, thoughts, beliefs, experiences, emotions, sensations, memories, expectations, others' views of us, trauma, illnesses and diseases, and the list goes on and on and on and on. 

If we can't be defined without every single aspect of who we are, and it's impossible to see every aspect of ourselves all at once, then who are we? We are energy, we are Love, we are consciousness, we are the universe, we are simply Life itself. When we stop trying to define ourselves, we are freed from an impossible task. Peace be with you.

No Mountain Too High

I've spent my life in fear. I could list everything I was afraid of, but it would be a very long list, and no one would really want to read it anyways. I spent my life being too afraid of everything that I just never did anything or was even willing to try anything new. If you asked me three years ago where I would be in life right now and what I would be doing, I probably would've said something to the effect of, I'll be doing what I'm doing now, which was honestly a whole lot of nothing.

Three years ago, I couldn't even conceive of anything that I'm doing with my life now or anything about me. Me from three years ago, wouldn't recognize me at all. In the last three years, I have changed my name, become a pastor, started a website, found my passion for music, started playing the piano, become extroverted, drove across the country by myself, and climbed a mountain. That is just a small example of the changes I have made in my life in the last few years. I have done all these things because they are what I want to do and I'm no longer letting fear dictate my life and behavior. 

I have confronted my fears so many times that it has almost become second nature to me. I still feel fear, it's only natural. When I feel fear, I talk myself through it, I comfort myself, I support myself, I encourage myself, and most importantly I remind myself that I am safe. I am no longer afraid of fear. That was ultimately my biggest obstacle, I was so afraid of being afraid that I avoided anything that made me even the tiniest bit uneasy. Not that I'm no longer afraid of fear, I'm free to live as I choose.

How can you get over your fear of fear? First step is to acknowledge that you are afraid and that it's ok. It's perfectly natural and healthy to feel fear, it's not just limited to us humans, animals feel fear too, just look at a dog who got into the trash or an antelope running from a predator. Fear is nothing to be ashamed of and it can't be stopped. The more you try to get rid of fear, the more it shows it face. Secondly, you have to face the fact that you are the only one who can face your fears, no one else can do it for you. Someone can hold your hand or be an encouragement to you, but when it comes down to it, you are the one who has to walk through the fear.

I can't promise you a fool proof method to accepting fear. I can only tell you my experience. My experience for the last three years is to face any fear that comes up. It was holding a spider to get over my fear of spiders. It was saying something to someone that I was afraid to say. It was standing up for myself. It was being myself and not caring what others think. Sometimes it was as simple as just acknowledging that I had a fear that would make it vanish without my having to do anything about it. Basically, if I want to do something, I just do it, I don't care that I'm afraid, I just go for it. Every single time that I face a fear, I am shown the same thing and that is that there was never anything to be afraid of. I was afraid of nothing. Peace be with you!

Bison Encounter

How do I transform an experience into words? How do I convey the true magnitude, grace and beauty of the experience? All I can do is try my best, for that's all anyone is ever capable of.

The morning sun hits my eyes as I slowly come back to the waking world. My first thought is "I want to go back to sleep, I didn't get enough" but the urge to pee is just too much to bear, so I have no choice but to get up. I sit up and pull down the window cover from the van window. I notice the other campers pointing and looking near my van. That's when I look over and see the bison grazing about twenty feet from my van.

At this point in my life, I'm pretty used to the natural world being around me. Since having my spiritual awakening, it's almost as if nature is drawn to me. I'm constantly being friended by all creatures big and small. So, I didn't really think much of the fact that this bison was hanging out by my van. I proceeded to get ready for the day and go about my business as the bison went about his business of eating breakfast.

There is a picnic table out about ten feet from my van, so I go sit on the picnic table as I'm putting on some sunscreen. As I'm applying sunscreen, I start making conversation with the bison. I'm just asking how his breakfast is and telling him about my trip. As I'm talking to him, he continues to eat the grass and pretty much just ignore me from what I can tell. He has slowly been getting closer to me as this has been playing out. He is about five feet away from me and I take a quick picture of him, then continue applying sunscreen.

I say to him "I Love You" and as soon as I get the words out of my mouth he immediately stops eating and looks directly at me. He then proceeds to grunt after not having made a sound this entire time. This is the part that I will never be able to express in words. It wasn't the fact that he looked at me, it was how he looked at me. He looked at me with such intent and sincerity. He looked at me with Loving eyes in return. In that instant I knew that we understood each other. We sat there with locked eyes for a moment and everything else disappeared, it was just us two.

He continued to grunt as he proceeded to move even closer to me. The grunts weren't aggressive in anyway, it was more like he was trying to talk to me, but I don't speak bison. I knew that I was safe and that he had no intention of hurting me in any way. He got to the end of the picnic table as I was sitting in the middle of the table, so roughly three feet away from me. 

A pesky little thought enters my mind at this time. The thought was something I had read online about staying far away from bison and giving them plenty of space, so you don't get gored or trampled. I always respect wildlife by giving them their space, but he came to me. It was at that instant that fear came running in. I became petrified of this gentle creature deciding to gore me or something. I could no longer think straight, all I could think about was getting away from him so he wouldn't hurt me. I remained calm on the outside, but my insides felt like the highest setting of a vibrator was flipped on.

He continues to stand there at the end of the table just staring at me and grunting away, never giving any indication of aggression or annoyance towards me. He turns for a moment to scratch his head and as he does, I take that opportunity to walk back to the van and get in. My thinking was that the van was more protection than the picnic table would be if he decided to become aggressive. I get into the van, and I start shaking uncontrollably. Thinking I just saved myself from being gored to death or crushed.

I will never forget what happened next, this image is seared into my mind forever. When he got done scratching his head, he turned back to the picnic table to look at me. When he doesn't see me there, he looks bewildered and looks around for me. He sees me sitting in the van and looked at me with such sadness and devastation. He was so happy to have made a friend only to have that friend run away and hide in a van. He stood there for a moment looking at me with sad eyes, did one last sad grunt to say goodbye and wandered off into the field.

I was so preoccupied with fear that I hadn't even noticed another bison had come up behind me to hang out too. That one decided to walk away after I got in the van also. I know with every cell in my body that I was completely safe and that he was never going to harm me. I know that he just wanted to hang out with me and that he was curious about me. I let fear take over and control my actions and the situation. The fear was an illusion born of a thought. There was nothing to fear, I was safe. That was when I decided to not let fear stand in the way anymore.