Dear Alexis,

All I was trying to do was get to the natural springs, the trail was too muddy so I had to turn around. I saw you laying there on the top of that hill. It was such a beautiful place I just had to come and say hi to you.

I enjoyed playing some music for you on my keyboard. You were the best audience, so attentive and quiet.

I Love that we cried together and laughed together. I Love that I got to meet you so I can carry you in my heart.

It was hard to leave you laying there all alone in the middle of nowhere, but I could tell by all of your flowers that you are truly Loved by a lot of people. In your 28 short years of being alive you have surely made such an impact on this world. 

Rest in peace my good friend. I Love you.

Suicide

TW: Suicide

Why me?? That has been playing on repeat in my head for a few weeks now. I was suicidal most of my life, I never thought I’d make it past thirty years old. I have had attempts, during one attempt I accidentally stabbed someone who was trying to stop me from stabbing myself. Somehow, despite my belief that I would never overcome that desire, I found joy, I am no longer suicidal. I am living proof that there is hope and that it can end.

I have lost two very close friends of mine over the last few months to suicide. The only thought that has been on my mind is “why me??” why did I make it through the pain and they didn’t? Why the hell am I still here but they aren’t? They are so beautiful, and the world is so much better having had them in it.

I get through my grief by reminding myself that they no longer have to fight that demon, they can rest in peace now. I know just how fucking dark those thoughts can get, I know how hard it can be to hold on and not give up. I know just how tempting it can be.

Some people call suicide “taking the easy way out” but the people that say that have never truly been suicidal. Anyone who has faced suicide knows how fucking hard it is, how it feels like it’s never going end, how it feels like your all alone and no one gives a shit about you or ever will. Suicide isn’t anyone's first choice; suicide isn’t something that anyone takes lightly. Suicide is something you have fought hundreds of times before you reach the point of trying to do it. 

When I was suicidal, I kept it a secret from everyone because I didn’t want anyone to stop me. I am telling you from firsthand experience that if someone you know is suicidal, they will probably not tell you. They will probably do everything they can to hide it from you. They do not want you to stop them. That's why quite often family and friends never saw it coming, they never suspected.

Don't wait to find out someone is suicidal to tell them how much you Love them. Chances are by the time you find out; they've probably been dealing with it for a long time. Love everyone you can right now!! There is no tomorrow, it literally never comes. Tell people you Love them, hug your Loved ones like it's the last time you'll see them.

If you're reading this, I Love You, You Are Not Alone, It's ok. Reach out for help if you need it. Don't wait for signs of suicide to act, act now and prevent the suicidal thoughts before they start. Peace be with you!

Words Aren’t Real

Words are not real; words only exist in our minds. A word is just a grunt or noise that two or more people put meaning into by agreeing what the meaning of it is. There are several methods you can implement see how meaningless words are. We are all familiar with the first way, which is to repeatedly say a word until it sounds strange. When we say a word repeatedly, our brains are forced to face the fact that it is gibberish and meaningless. 

Another way to see the meaninglessness of words is to pick any word and examine it more closely. I’ll pick a word, let’s go with “tree”. First, we can start with what kind of “tree” is it? Maple, pine, willow. What constitutes a “tree”? Depending on where the “tree” is, it may be pronounced differently, and who's to say which pronunciation is the correct one? A “tree” is also only a tree for people who speak English. A “tree” is a “arbre” in French, “mti” in Swahili, “木” in Japanese. A “tree” only really seems to be a “tree” to two people who happen to be talking about the same tree. We all know that no two trees are the same, yet we call them all “tree”. The word “tree” has no meaning whatsoever unless we all agree it does. Even with all of us agreeing that the word “tree” is real, we all still picture completely different “trees” when we think of one.

The point of these exercises is to start to see how absurd and meaningless words are. There are no real words, there is no absolute truth that could ever be expressed using words. The absolute truth of the universe, of existence, of God, and of life can only be experienced without the use of words. If I say to you that I have all of the answers to the universe and I want to give them to you. As long as I’m using words, all I will ever be doing is giving you an illusion or invisible hope.

Poets try their hardest to put life into words, but they are still using illusions. Philosophers examine the meaning of words but are examining nothing. Gurus and prophets claim to have the answers but there are no answers to be had since there are no words.

Do you want to see what life is really like? Do you want to experience your true nature? Do you want to experience bliss? Stop wasting money and time on workshops and seminars. Stop listening to gurus and teachers. A lot of “enlightened” teachers know that words aren’t real, and it doesn’t matter what they say, as long as you believe they’re actually giving you “words”, they’ll keep taking your money. Just give up words, that’s it, you didn’t even have to pay me hundreds or thousands of dollars for the best advice you could ever receive. 

Words stop having power over you the instant you realize they're not real. When you realize that words aren’t real, it sets you free from this world and transports you into nirvana. Think about it, everything that you “know”, everything that you “believe” were all told to you using “words” which have a different meaning for everyone who uses them. Ever played the telephone game? One person whispers something to the person next to them and it goes like that down a line. At the end of the line, the last person says what they think the original phrase was, nine times out of ten, they are nowhere near the original phrase. Yet we trust the words that have been passed down through hundreds of generations?

Since words aren't real, that means that no one has ever said a mean thing to you. You have never said a mean thing about anyone. You're not obligated to care what anyone thinks about you since thoughts are less than clouds, they come and go just like the clouds. Unlike the clouds you can't see thoughts. It no longer matters what your name, title, achievement, degree, or status is. Those are all just words, they mean nothing. We are all Life, Love's purest form. Words separate, words divide, words kill, words start wars, and words cause pain. The only reason they do those things is because everyone agrees they hold any meaning. How could I ever be mad at anyone for anything they say to me when it's just grunts. How could I ever be hurt by something that I can't even see. 

Words are like an invisible arrow that comes out of our mouths and that everyone thinks are real. People pretend to be hurt by these invisible arrows because they believe they are real. The truth is no word ever hurt anyone. No one can be hurt by something that doesn't exist; they can only feel hurt by something that they believe exists. Peace be with you!