Growing up I had the type of family who would hold grudges towards each other for years or decades at a time and sometimes for life. This behavior was rampant throughout not only my immediate family but also all the extended family. We were the type of family that didn't talk about how we felt, we didn't apologize, and we suppressed the majority of our thoughts and feelings. Family dynamics were very confusing since it was hard to remember who didn't like who and what they didn't like them for and who did what to who. It seemed there was always someone mad at someone. Many family members would "cut off" other family members also. There was rampant abuse throughout the entire family involving any and every type of abuse you can imagine.
My personal experience of being cut off from family members was my normal, I thought that was how the world worked. I remember the first time I was cut off by a family member I was just a young child (under 10). I was at my grandmother's house, and we got into an argument about something, I honestly don't even remember what it was about or what was even said. I do recall saying hurtful things to my grandmothers because I was upset and as we all know, we say things we don't mean when we are upset. I know that we both said mean things in anger to each other. That was the first time I was cut off.
My grandmother wouldn't speak to me or even acknowledge my existence. I was left to believe that I had done some terrible thing in order for my very own grandmother to not speak to me. After some time (don't remember how long) I apologized to her and then she cried and apologized also, and we made up. Over the next twenty-five years or so, I would continually be cut off from my grandmother for one thing or another. Usually for years at a time. The reasons for being cut off would be due to the fact that sometimes I was mean to her, sometimes it was a misunderstanding or miscommunication, and sometimes it was due to something on her part. It never really mattered what the reason was as to why she cut off all communication with me, it was my fault 100% of the time. I was always the one to apologize, in which case she would cry and also offer her complimentary apology.
Most of my childhood our extended family had to have multiple Christmas gatherings in order to include everyone who wasn't speaking to whoever else at the time. I would envy the other families who wouldn't have to have multiple holiday gatherings. We couldn't have one Christmas gathering since there were those who refused to come if other the others were there. One year as an adult, I had an uncle attack me over the fact the I wasn't living my life in a way he agreed with and when I stood up for myself, he forced the family to once again split Christmas so he wouldn't have to be near me.
This same uncle would berate and belittle everyone in the family. He would criticize, critique, mock, and openly insult everyone. The fact that he did this was ok with everyone because that was just "who he was", "the fun-loving funny uncle who talks shit." The only people in the family who were free from this uncle's oppressive slew of insults were coincidentally enough the "wealthy" family members. The "wealthy" family members could do no wrong in his mind. Most of the family live in self-loathing poverty and the "wealthy" family members were treated as royalty by the whole family.
I was often witness and sometimes a party to family members discussing other family members when they weren't present. Family members who openly hated other family members around everyone except the person they hated. They were very kind to the persons face who they hated so the person they hated wouldn't even know they hated them or wouldn't have a chance to defend themselves or even apologize. There were no opportunities for apologies and any apology given was simply to get something in return. There was physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. Gaslighting and scapegoating was an expert level skill most of the family possessed. Self-awareness and self-reflection were non-existent within the family. The biggest rule within our family was no one ever admitted when they had made a mistake.
Writing this out, it is pretty clear that I never deserved to be treated that way, in fact no one does. This dysfunctional family dynamic has caused me issues with insecurity, low self-esteem, anxiety, fear of abandonment, isolation, depression, and people pleasing to the point of completely ignoring myself and my own needs. I happened to be born into a family where both of my grandmothers were narcissists. Everything revolved around my grandmothers all the time. The family was simply there in order to give the grandmothers everything they wanted and when they didn't get their way, we all got punished in one way or another so we all just stopped fighting it and went along with it. Call it nurture or nature, but other family members are also narcissists or have traits. I myself found that I too mimicked narcissistic traits as a means of adapting to my environment.
We all adapted the best we could and did what we could do survive, as for me, I had to leave. I tried to stay around for as long as I could but eventually, I realized that my family was drowning, and I couldn't swim so me sticking around to help them would just mean we all drown. I had to leave in order to learn how to swim. By learning how to swim I am able to help others who are drowning. I forgive the family that I grew up with, but it was my time to move on. I pray they find peace; I pray they find joy, and I pray for them freedom from suffering. When we are in a dysfunctional family, we can't see it for ourselves. In order to adapt to our environments, we can convince ourselves of anything. If we are able to move past all of the "rules" about always putting "family" first and leave our dysfunctional family, we may just find our true family who will show us just what a healthy family dynamic looks like, or we can discover it on our own. Living in the past that cannot be changed and dwelling on all the disfunction does no good for anyone. We can forgive the past and change the future by changing our perspective and discovering what a healthy relationship looks like versus an unhealthy one.
This is part one of a three-part discussion. This first post is about my personal life and my personal experience. I do not write these things about the family I grew up with in order for anyone to "take my side" or to damn them for their behavior. I have forgiven them and there is no reason for anyone else to hold any bitterness over them. I genuinely wish them peace, but their presence is no longer needed in my life. They are in pain and how can we condemn those of us who are in pain? By leaving the family that I was drowning with I was able to find people who are swimming alongside me. The family that was and will be given to me by God helps me stay afloat when I feel like I am starting to drown. Since I have support when I start to feel like I am drowning, I am able to give that support right back when they feel like they are drowning. Family is not always the family that we are born into, sometimes our family is outside of our birth family. Love and Peace!