Within the last week I have seen that I constantly look over my shoulder. I do so due to being bullied as a child and as a means of seeking attention and affection. I watch over my shoulder out of fear that my "family" was going to come bully, tease, or abuse me at any given moment. I constantly had to be on edge and always watching out. I never knew what they were going to tease me about next so I knew I couldn’t give them anything to tease me about. I would shut down or stop anytime they were near or anytime there was even a chance they were near. I had learned the habit of shutting down or turning off over the course of a childhood due to their constant harassment.
Due to a lack of any affection as a child I was always seeking affection from my mother due to human nature. My "family" denying me any type of attention, affection, or validation trained me be to someone who is a people pleaser, someone who is always seeking attention, affection, and validation, and someone who is insecure. I also learned the dark arts of manipulation, control, and abuse. Having fought myself from being myself in order to protect myself from being bullied and abused. I became two people, the one who is and the one who hides the one who is in order to protect me.
I didn't know who I was since I wasn’t in a safe environment to allow myself to be myself. I had to control myself and keep myself safe. I spent my childhood in constant and endless fear, I don’t know Love because all I knew was fear. As long as I can remember I just wanted my family to die so I could be left alone. I never wanted to kill them or harm them in anyway, I just wanted my freedom from them, and I thought that was the only way I would ever get it. One day I realized that I didn’t have to wait for them to die to be free of them. I could just walk away…. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
It has been almost a year, and I am finding Love, I can see Love growing inside of me. I learned to fear Love because I have never known Love, I was teased for my Love and so I learned to suppress my Love. I know that I am safe now, I know that I can let myself go and that I can just be me now, I don’t need to protect myself anymore, I AM SAFE!
First I remembered the abuse, then the neglect and lastly the teasing and bullying. As I’ve had my memories come back to me that had been forgotten oh so long ago, I’ve been able to see all the things that weren’t normal. All the things that weren’t healthy, and all the things that are just plain fucked up. All the things that I didn’t deserve, and that nobody deserves to go through. You don't deserve to be treated like shit no matter what anyone tells you. No one deserves to be treated like shit. There is nothing you can do that would cause you to deserve to be treated like shit.
It would be nice to have an answer to the question “why?” why the fuck did they treat me that way, why the abuse, why the bullying and teasing, why the neglect. If they didn’t want me, which they made clear to me my entire life, why didn’t they just get rid of me?
I will never know and if you ask my family, I am the selfish asshole. But I don’t care that I will never have any answers, I don’t care that I won’t ever have closure, and I don’t care about what they even think anymore! I don’t care that I will never get an apology from them. I don't care that they won't ever even acknowledge anything they've done. I AM FREE!
I don’t ever have to be treated like shit again, I don’t ever have to be blamed for anything again. I don't have to be used anymore. I don’t have to be made to feel guilty about everything that I do all the time. I don’t ever have to look over my shoulder again. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not anymore so they wouldn’t bully me. I don’t have to care about what they say or think about me anymore. I don’t have to be the “bad guy” anymore. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want too ever again. I am free.
Walking away from my “family” was hard because I constantly felt like I was being selfish by walking away and going no contact. I felt guilt and shame all the time about it as if I had done something wrong. I became terrified of being selfish. I created a website on a whim, didn’t even know what I was going to use it for, I just knew I had to do it. Next thing I know I’m starting a blog type discussion page and sharing my thoughts, experiences and ideas with the world. Thanks to the help from a true friend who believed in me so much that they selflessly promoted my site in order to help me spread Love and peace. My site has been seen around the world.
My fear of being selfish lead me to spread Love to everyone that I could in order to prove to myself that I was not selfish all the while feeling selfish about it. I now know that these are all learned behaviors and habits from my childhood and what has been learned can be unlearned or changed. I am who I am because I walked away. I wasn’t allowed to be me as long as they were in my life. I never knew who I was, I never knew anything about myself. I am learning who I am. I am getting to know myself and I Love me. The more I Love myself, the more I Love those around me and the more I Love those around me, the more I Love myself. I’m finding Love all around me and I have so much to spare that I give it the world the best way I can. I am being the change I want to see in the world. More Love, more acceptance, more forgiveness, more understanding and more peace.
This site is my evolution on my path to Love. My liberation, my perspective, and my experiences. I share my stories and thoughts in hopes that they may help others who may be going through the same things I have. Loving others came easily to me, Loving myself on the other hand is something I have had to work very hard on. I now see that it is hard to Love yourself when those around you are always telling you what is wrong with you. When those around you are teaching you that it is selfish to Love yourself.
Do I regret cutting my "family" out of my life? No.
Do I miss them? No, I miss the idea of having a family, but I know that I never really had one.
Am I happy? I believe that learning to be happy is a process and takes time. I am definitely happier overall than I used to be. I am no longer suicidal, I no longer wish I didn't exist, and I'm excited to see what life brings me and what my future holds.
Love and Peace!