As a child I had rules forced upon me. These rules were always made by the rule-makers a.k.a. the adults. Most often the rules imposed on me by adults didn't make any logical sense. I, as well as most children just assumed that adults were a little wacko and were people who just like make up rules for the fun of it. Adults were usually not very fun to be around, always telling you what to do and what not to do. Clean your room, brush your teeth, don't pick your nose, go to bed, and on and on. Not to mention, within adults there are a lot of perpetually angry adults whereas with kids, the perpetually angry kid was rare. I learned to zone out the adults and I would play with other kids. Children have this universal comradery where we all share the same experience, the experience of having rules forced upon us that we didn't understand and weren't even allowed to ask about. We couldn't question the rules, only follow them and be punished if we didn't. Being with other children felt safe, whereas being with adults you never knew when you were going to get into trouble next or what new rule was going to be imposed.
As a teenager I started to rebel against all the rules, I found it harder to just ignore them like I did when I was a child, the rules seemed to just be stacking up endlessly. When puberty come around, I got introduced to a whole new encyclopedia of rules. The insecurity from confusion and fear surrounding puberty makes us kids turn against each other and we lose our comradery that we had as children. Going into the higher grades in school resulted in even more rules and expectations. I started to do drugs, drink, and commit crime as a way to fight back against the oppression that was assaulting my individuality from all sides to make me conform to society. I became very angry and bitter that I was being forced into this world of slavery, oppression, control, dominance, and servitude.
Anxiety and depression start up in high school do to all the pressure that I'm always under to not fuck up. For a few years after high school, I have some fun with my life. For the first time in my life, I was considered an adult and now that I was an adult I was free from all the rules. It made perfect sense to me as a child that since adults were the ones who made the rules that obviously meant they couldn't also have rules. I lived in beautiful and ignorant bliss for about four years or so. Then I couldn't keep reality at bay anymore and had to admit defeat. I was forced to open my eyes to the obvious fact that even adults have rules too. Adults Love to make rules to control those who are deemed less than in society.
I was an adult who had rules about how to act in society, manners, how to speak to people, what to wear or not wear in public, what to do, and how to be. Worth a mention that I was raised in a religious home who worshipped a god who was the ultimate rule-maker. Cptsd, generalized anxiety, severe depression, and a whole host of other mental illnesses is what the next decade of life is like for me. I felt trapped. I felt lost. I felt hopeless.
Midlife crises came along around the age of 38 or so. I have followed the rules my whole life and what has it given me? Nothing but the knowledge that this will just be my life. This is what life is, get born, go to school, go to work, maybe have a few years to retire then die. That's just how it is. Except I was lied to by the adults, I was made to believe that If I followed the rules and did what I was supposed to I would be able to have my own home someday. Yes, I rebelled from time to time but honestly who doesn't? Of all of my friends from high school only a couple of them own a home, most of them are still living in shitty apartments or with their parents. I was told I could have a home; the reality is there aren't any affordable homes. I am part of a generation that was told we were going to get a prize for following the rules and yet the prize has been ripped away and we were told to just get over it.
Somewhere along the way I started making rules myself. I would make rules for me, rules for other people, and rules for everything and everyone. I had become a rule-maker. I was a controlling, selfish, angry, and bitter rule-maker. I had become the thing that I hated most as a kid; a rule-making adult. One day I say fuck it. This world doesn't give a fuck about me, so fuck it, I may as well just do whatever the fuck I want to and stop pretending to be sorry about it. I become myself, I become who I was always meant to be. I become who I would've been if I hadn't been forced to live in a society that suppresses individuality. I become unapologetic, authentic, and genuine. I no longer lie to myself, or others and I no longer carry around shame or guilt. I am no longer a rule-maker.
By giving up my role as rule-maker and letting go of everything that I was supposed to be and everything I was supposed to do. I found my genuine self. Throughout my journey I had found God, thought I lost God, rebelled against God, and then found God all over again. I have come to see all the beauty in the world and the interconnectedness and oneness of all beings. Life is beautiful, life is precious, and life is worth living. One thing I have learned through all of this is that if life doesn't feel worth living, it's due to life being lived unauthentically. When life is lived authentically and genuinely, it becomes a precious work of art that's filled with beauty beyond human comprehension.
I consider myself lucky. I get to relive my life. I get to start over. I get to keep all of my knowledge that I have acquired throughout my life and was born again into a new life with a new name. I am no longer a rule-maker and now I see adults for what they are. Adults are children trapped in adult bodies who are trying their hardest to be rule-making adults to fit in with all the other so-called adults, but who deep down just want to play and have fun and are too scared of getting punished for breaking the rules. Love and Peace!