Help Is Available

I Promise you are not alone. It’s ok.

When you’re suicidal, the people around do their best to “cheer you up”, It’ll get better, they say. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times that I have heard it’ll get better in my life. Every time someone said that to me, it made me want to punch them in the face. Instead, I would politely say thank you or something related to an acknowledgement. No one, and I mean not one single person, ever told me HOW it was going to get better. It was always just it’ll get better and that’s it, it's like fuck off, you’re on your own now. 

I have been where you are. I have attempted suicide multiple times. I was suicidal on and off for twenty years. To this day, suicidal thoughts still come knocking sometimes. There is way out, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it does get better. One HOW is to find something to hold on to, a metaphorical anchor so to speak. It can be anything, something like not wanting your pet to be without you because you know how much they'll miss you, even if no one else will. That was me, my best friend, my beagle, that is who kept me going for so many years. I just couldn't leave him. An anchor can be something you Love, like a hobby or a passion. Another anchor could be a friend or Loved one, a therapist, or a clergyman. One of the symbols of Jesus walking on water was to show there's someone there to give you a hand when you're drowning in the storm. He is one of those people that are always there for you. 

Something else that kept me going was I gave myself a seemingly impossible goal, and I decided to follow that goal until the end and if I couldn't achieve that goal, then and only then would I commit suicide. In all honesty I picked a goal that I literally didn't think was possible so when I failed, I would have a valid excuse to kill myself. The only thing is, I forced myself to try with 100% effort, I mean if I didn't put in 100% effort, then it wouldn't count, I mean I need a clear conscience, and to my disbelief I actually pulled it off. I was so shocked and astonished that I was able to meet this unattainable goal that it gave me a curiosity to see just what else I can do. Every day I find myself being in utter disbelief of the things I'm doing and achieving. I no longer wish for death every moment of my life; I am no longer filled with hate and rage about my traumas. I still experience sadness, anger, grief, annoyance, but these states of mind have become nothing more than the clouds that they are. I no longer get sucked into those emotions and allow them to become bitterness, resentment, and rage.

Since I have personally been suicidal too many times to count, and I have pulled through it, and it has gotten better, I am making this website to show people the “how” it can get better. Throughout this site, my life will be on display for all too see. Learn from me, learn from my experiences, see how I did it, know that there is hope, and then find your own way to do it. 

Everyone who gives you advice when your suicidal are doing the best they know how. It comes from a place of pure Love for you. If they didn’t Love you, they simply wouldn’t say anything. I know you believe that you are alone, I know you believe no one Loves you. I promise you are not alone; I promise you are Loved. There are ALWAYS people who Love you, even if your unaware of their existence. I for one am one of those people. I don’t care who you are, I don't care what you’ve done. My job on this earth is not to judge but to Love.

We are taught as children when something goes wrong to look for a helper. We are told the helpers wear uniforms so they stand out, that way you can find them when you need help. That guide still works when you’re an adult. If you are suicidal and need help, look for a helper. Helpers are everywhere, just look for a uniform. A priest, a nurse, a doctor, a fireman, a police officer, a paramedic, are just a few examples. 

I know you don’t feel like you’re worth anyone's time, and that no one will care. That is simply not true. Helpers are not in that profession by accident or mere coincidence. They are in that profession because that is who they are, they were put on this earth to help. Yes, there are going to be a few people in the helping professions that are only there for a paycheck, don’t let that stop you from reaching out. The people that are doing it only for a paycheck and nothing else make up a very small percentage.