Within this incarnation I have been drawn to ninjas, spies, snipers, assassins, and magicians. I wasn't drawn to the violence that those positions generally are connected to; in fact, I loathed the violence. There is an excitement to moving about undetected and unnoticed. There is a power that comes with invisibility. I learned this in my childhood when I would live my life sneaking around the house avoiding my abusers. I learned to go unseen and unheard. I developed an extraordinary talent to be unseen in a room full of people. If I was seen, I was beaten but I couldn't be beaten if I couldn't be seen. I lived my life in hiding. I'm older now, I'm stronger now, and I don't need to hide anymore.
I learned a lot about people with me being a ghost in this world. I learned how people act when they are alone versus when they are around others. I learned that most people put on a show that they want people to believe and that they are too worried about anyone finding out their secret that they are unable to pay very much attention to anything that is going on around them. I learned that the poorer you look, the more invisible you are. Most people will not make eye contact with homeless humans. I learned all sorts of ways to remain undetected in this world. To be honest, I used this to my own advantage earlier in life. I would find opportunities for myself to benefit in some way from someone else's inattention. I usually had too much guilt and shame inside of me to do anything to nefarious.
One day I had a question come to my mind about whether or not it was possible to do a completely selfless act. An act that only benefits the target. I viewed it as a challenge, not an impossible challenge but a very complicated one. It was a puzzle that I wanted to solve. I wanted to know how to do a purely selfless act or if it can even be done. There was debate on whether or not to write this post since that could essentially be making my acts not selfless but as I am not writing about specific acts I have done; they are remaining selfless. I have to admit it was harder than I thought it would be, every idea I had seemed to benefit me in one way or another which negates the selflessness of the act. I didn't want to do this out of any sort of obligation or moral aspect, I simply liked the challenge of the idea. A philosophical experiment so to speak.
I came up with some guidelines for myself. In order for an act to be selfless I couldn't benefit in any way. Which means I can't tell anyone about it because that feels good to me. I realized that even me watching the act wouldn't be selfless since watching someone become happy and knowing that I helped give them that joy made me feel good too. I like to give people joy and kindness so me watching their joy completely negates the experiment. I had to find ways to do an act of kindness for people without them ever having known that I even existed and without me being witness or party to it. I Love the idea of "pay it forward" which was big for a while but even with that, you're risking praise from the cashier or other customers which would once again give me that good feeling.
It was hard and it took some time, but I eventually found some ways in which I can do random acts of kindness for people and no one but me knows it was me who did it and I don't get to see their reaction. Honestly, not being able to see their reaction is probably the hardest part. As stated earlier I will not be sharing specific acts that I do but I will give example scenarios that are similar to acts I would do. Have you ever found a twenty dollar bill hidden in a pocket of a jacket that has been in the closet for months and you think "it must be my lucky day" and the amount of joy you feel the rest of the day and you can't wait to tell everyone you know about it and start thinking about what you're going to get with this free money that just randomly showed up in your life. Those are the kind of things I do.
Obviously, I'm not breaking into people's houses to put a twenty in their pocket. for them to find, but I do things similar to that where the target may not even come across my kind act for quite some time. I never know when my targets will receive their act of kindness and I'm never around to see it. My ability to become invisible as a child due to abuse is what lead this game. I Love this game, it's one of my favorite pastimes. I can't describe the thrill I get knowing I gave someone joy. I realize that the fact that I get a thrill means it's not selfless, doesn't mean I can't keep trying though. Maybe I am playing an impossible game, maybe it is impossible to do a completely selfless act, so I'll just keep trying. Something is only impossible until it's not. Either way I'm spreading joy with my super-secret ninja random acts of kindness. Maybe you have been a victim of my ninja kindness and aren't even aware of it and I'm not the only one, there are other kindness ninjas out there too. I am grateful for my past since it brought me to my present. My dark childhood is what led me to the light. Love and Peace!