When I was a young child from my earliest memories around 3, I was ashamed of my body, but I didn't know why. I Loved my body, and I really liked how it looked. I didn't have the capacity to understand what exactly it was that was "off" about me I just knew something was. When I was an older child, around the age of 7 or so, I started attending Sunday school at my evangelical Christian church and was indoctrinated with "gender roles" along with duties that went along with each assigned gender. When I had sex ed in fifth grade, the boys and girls were separated. I felt extremely uncomfortable being with the boys and found all of their remarks disgusting and vulgar. I wanted to be with the girls, that was never an option. I never spoke up because I knew no one would listen or care.
As long as I could remember, I liked everyone, and I thought all genitals were pretty cool. I enjoyed playing "doctor" with boys just as much as girls. I never really had a preference. Being a "Christian", being anything other than your assigned gender was not an option. Since I was viewed as a man I wasn't allowed to like penis because it was gay. I didn't even know what any of those words meant when I was a kid, I just knew who I was and what I liked until I let everyone around me convince me otherwise. Part of me was always happy I never had to deal with menstruation and cramping that most women go through. I do crave to feel a child inside of me even though I know it's not possible with this body
Puberty hit and my body started to grow hair everywhere which I immediately hated. Everyone around me told me their opinions and I never stopped to ask myself why it was that I hated it so much. My testicles also grew and got all big and gross. I Loved my voice when I was a child but when puberty came, I stopped talking as much. I prefer not to hear the sound of my own voice. Once through puberty in my early teens I knew the answer to what I wasn't old enough to comprehend when I was 3 but had always known. I am a woman. I attempted to tell my "friends" to no avail. For years I would go around telling people that I was a woman trapped in a man's body, but no one believed me, and everyone thought I was joking or being a perv or something. At some point I got tired of trying to tell my "friends" and went into the role of a "perverted man". Not all men are perverted, I just took on that role.
I started to hate my body, mostly the body hair, big testicles, and deep voice. What I hated more than my body was the fact the not one single person in this world has ever seen me as me, Stephanie. I was given a boy's name by the people who... well you know. A few years ago I changed my name to Stephen, it was me trying to come out yet again as myself, Stephanie. I knew I wouldn't be accepted so I only went halfway-ish. I changed my gender to non-binary as a protest against gender. It feels so cruel that other people get to seen as the person they are inside and not just the body they were put into.
I was abandoned by my "family" and "friends" most of whom refused to even call me Steve. They couldn't even accept a man's name that was different than what they assigned to me. I have spent 40 years feeling guilty about who I am. Trying to change who I am. Trying to be who the world wants me to be. Trying to be a man. I don't watch the news because it's filled with people that hate me just because I feel this way. I didn't choose to feel like a fucking woman inside. Trust me, I could choose how to feel inside, I would choose to feel like a man. Life would be so much fucking easier.
I have always liked dresses and cute stuff. I have always wanted to be a mom; I didn't want to have any children of my own because I didn't want to be in the father role. I wanted to be a stay at home who takes care of her family and just Loves everyone and takes care of them. I want to be the mom that I never had. I want to be a wife to someone. I want all the things that a lot of women tend to want but I'm not allowed to have them because I'm a "man".
I married into a heterosexual marriage with a woman, and it was all an attempt at being the person everyone told me to be. I tried my best to be a man, I swear I did. I'm just never happy. I don't enjoy life. I don't want to be here. I think that this entire site was a plea for help. It's a shit marriage, I blame her because all I see are lies, but I am also fully aware that I am not the nicest person to be around. I get angry and frustrated a lot, even though the meditation and other practices do help a lot. I am playing the role of a "father" and a "husband" when all I want to be is a "wife" and a "mom". I feel trapped in this role, like I can't escape. I don't know how to. I feel suffocated by my own body so I numb it with marijuana. I cancel out the negative effects of marijuana with healthy eating and exercise.
I Love myself (Stephanie) because no one else does. I know it's a catch 22, that I present myself as a man and therefor people see me that way. I hide my true identity out of protection. I know the truth, anyone who doesn't see me for me (Stephanie) can fuck right off to hell and never speak to me again. I don't enjoy being alone, most of us don't, but I have been alone for 40 years. It is strange, as a child I always knew I wouldn't live to be 40. A few years before I turned 40 I had a "spiritual awakening" and started to face my fears, accept myself, Love myself, stop giving a shit what anyone thought, and most importantly stand up for myself. I think now that I subconsciously gave myself 40 years to try it society's way. Other people coming out with their stories definitely helps to see I am not the only person in the world who feels this way. Every time I think about being me (Stephanie) I literally freeze with fear. When I think about pretending to be a man, I feel gross, disgusting, ashamed, embarrassed, but mostly exhausted.
All I see are lies all around me. It feels like everyone around me is always lying to me. I can't tell reality from fiction and half the time I believe I am literally insane. Everyone feels like my enemy. Every time someone points out my gender or anything that reminds me of it, I get uncomfortable. I hate using the men's bathroom, but I could never go into a woman's bathroom today because "men are rapists and predators". Even though I Loved going in the woman's room with my birth giver when I was young. The woman who birthed me always told me that she wanted a daughter and all I could think is "I'm right here" and she would tell me that god told her that I was going to marry the girl who was meant to be her daughter. Once again, I'm right here.
I tried to live with my assigned gender for 40 years and I tried my best. I tried so fucking hard at it that I didn't really try at anything else. Being a "man" literally took all of the energy I had all the time. I was always exhausted. It feels really shitty living in a world where I am not allowed to be who I am! It feels really shitty living in a world where people want to kill me for something I can't control and that I didn't choose. It feels really shitty living in a world where everyone I know abandoned me. It feels really shitty living in a world where I don't know what is real and where I feel insane for the way I was born. I have gotten rid of every picture I have ever owned of myself, and I HATE having my picture taken. I hate who I see because I know it's not me. I don't like to look in the mirror but if I do, I try not to look at my body and just look into my eyes.
I live in an area filled with people who hate me and don't want me to exist. I can feel their hate on me every time I walk out the door. I will move to a more accepting area as soon as I am able to. I've been trying it societies' way for 40 years and I fucking hate everything about it. I'm thinking I try it my way now. I have no idea what that is. I feel like this is the truth but even this feels like a lie, I've been lying so long to everyone and myself. I want to live my truth instead of hiding it. If that means I have to walk this world alone then so be it. I guess this site just officially turned into my memoir of transitioning into who I am instead of who society wants me to be. This is my coming out since I have no one else to tell. Peace and Love!