All Out

I came into this world perfectly content and at peace with everything... for about a minute. Then I felt the cold air and the bright lights blinded me and I gave a fuck about the fact that I was overwhelmed with all this new input. I was given to my mother who held me, and I was able to let go of the fuck that I gave about being uncomfortable. I was able to just be at peace being held and the cold air, loud noises, and bright lights didn't seem as bad anymore. I very quickly learned to give a fuck when I was hungry to avoid the stomach pains that would surely come if I didn't get my milk right this instant. I gave a fuck about having a dirty diaper.

As I grew older, I began giving a fuck about not getting in trouble, being punished is not very fun, would not recommend. When I became school aged, I began to give a fuck about not being weird, being made fun of is not any fun. Having religion taught to me throughout my childhood, I started to give a fuck about not going to hell. I started giving a fuck about trying to "save" others in order to "save" myself. Puberty brought in a whole new set of things to give a fuck about such as acne, accidental boners, people I was attracted to, being horny all the time, voice cracking, weird patches of hair in weird places, and just plain awkwardness.

Entering high school, I gave a fuck about girlfriends, friends, family, religion, sports, cars, and gaming. As an adult I learned to give a fuck about politics, news, and weather. I gave a fuck about what everyone else was doing and what was happening to me at any given moment in time. I gave a fuck about the seemingly inevitable collapse of society. I gave a fuck about terrorist attacks, war, poverty, famine, Covid-19 and other diseases. I gave a fuck about being kind and considerate of others. I gave a fuck about having manners. I gave a fuck about being polite and kind to each other. I gave a fuck about money, debt, budgeting, and being poor. I gave a fuck about so many things.

One day I had a "spiritual awakening", in which I heard a voice tell me that fear is Satan. All of my anxiety and fear instantly vanished, and I felt a peace that I had never felt before. My life changed forever, the person that was before that day was gone and a new person was born. I didn't know it at the time, but my "spiritual awakening" was simply me letting go of giving a fuck about fear and anxiety. I let go of one fuck and felt a stronger peace than anything in this world could give me. I then spent the next several years slowly letting go of all my fucks. Some fucks seemed harder to let go then others, but they are all fucks none the same. 

I stopped giving a fuck about time, money, gender, social hierarchy the rules of society. I stopped giving a fuck about what others thought of me. I stopped giving a fuck about what's "right" or "wrong" and decided just to be kind to everyone, because why not. It's been a hard path, it's been a lonely path, and it's been a long path. I let go of my fears, my beliefs, my identity, my relationships, me (ego), and death. In order to continue on my spiritual journey, I learned to stop giving a fuck about being labeled as crazy or insane. The spiritual path is anything but sane according to the world. My truth is letting go of my fucks is what leads to the ultimate peace. You see, I know that I am peace, peace never leaves me, peace is always here inside waiting to be remembered. I have the peace of God within me. When I'm focused on all the fucks that I'm giving, I lose track of my own peace.

For me, giving a fuck about anything in this world only lead to despair and loneliness. I stopped giving a fuck about this world and I let go. I let go of all of the lives I have lived, and I let go of every concept that comes my way. When a new thought, emotion, event, word, action, or thing comes into my awareness, I simply don't give a fuck. If I find myself giving a fuck, it's usually due to finding the "ego" attempting to give a fuck about something and pulling me down into misery. When I started meditation early on, I was meditating to accomplish something as if I could actually do anything. I was trying to "do" meditation. One day as I was meditating, I heard a voice tell me that meditation was my time where I didn't have to do anything, I could just be. No rules, no expectations, no masks, no pretending, and just being. I used to see meditation as something I needed to do in order to blah blah blah, now I see meditation as freedom, liberation, peace, joy, oneness, sabbath, and rest. I meditate for one simple reason, I enjoy it. I enjoy the act of not doing which includes not giving any fucks.

Anything and everything that I ever "tried" to do to change the external world failed. I was not able to control any external factor within my world, the only change I was able to make was within myself and how I see the world without. When I am "trying", I am experiencing stress, frustration, anxiety, sadness, and anger. Giving a fuck about everything drained me of my energy and I was usually left exhausted. When I let go of everything and just be, then all is well. Even if "bad" things are happening around me, it's all just part of what's happening. In my act of "not doing" I am just an unbiased, impartial observer of what appears to be going on around me.

In my experience the path to liberation of suffering is by not giving a fuck anymore and to just watch everything as it plays out. A Buddha becomes "enlightened" simply by not giving a fuck about anything, a Buddha lets all the fucks go. I Love this universe which includes all the "bad" and I Love everything within and without it. I Love that I don't need to do anything, and I get to watch this life play out as a movie where I'm always being surprised at what happens next. Every day I say to myself "what a day, what a day!" The physical world as we know it is only a very small part of the universe as a whole. When I stopped giving any fucks, I was freed of energy that I had been wasting trying to give fucks away. In my freeing up of energy that I was wasting and the fact that I am able to just sit in peace with myself I was shown other realms and dimensions within our universe. We all have the same gifts and abilities within us since we all come from the same source. We all have access to the same realities, realms, and dimensions coming from the same source. Most of us are too busy giving a fuck about some tiny little "problem" to see the whole of existence.

Once you get that first hit of peace within, you get hooked and the person you were beforehand disappears and all that is left is a peace junky. Except peace isn't a drug that kills, but leads to peace eternally shining within that you no longer need to chase since you always have it within. Unlike any other drug in this world, peace is the only one that leads to its own end. When the peace is found within, the finder of said peace wants to share the goods new to everyone and anyone who will listen, except no one seems to care, it's almost as if many of us enjoy being miserable for one reason or another. There is peace within all of us, you don't have to believe it in order for it to be there and you don't need to do anything for it. Peace is given to all by the grace of God, no exceptions. Stop giving a fuck about anything and the peace within will shine brighter than you ever imagined possible. Love and Peace!

* I was reminded after I wrote this post that there is a book about not giving a fuck. I have not personally read it but I am aware of its existence. This post was from my own personal experience.