TW: Suicide
Why me?? That has been playing on repeat in my head for a few weeks now. I was suicidal most of my life, I never thought I’d make it past thirty years old. I have had attempts, during one attempt I accidentally stabbed someone who was trying to stop me from stabbing myself. Somehow, despite my belief that I would never overcome that desire, I found joy, I am no longer suicidal. I am living proof that there is hope and that it can end.
I have lost two very close friends of mine over the last few months to suicide. The only thought that has been on my mind is “why me??” why did I make it through the pain and they didn’t? Why the hell am I still here but they aren’t? They are so beautiful, and the world is so much better having had them in it.
I get through my grief by reminding myself that they no longer have to fight that demon, they can rest in peace now. I know just how fucking dark those thoughts can get, I know how hard it can be to hold on and not give up. I know just how tempting it can be.
Some people call suicide “taking the easy way out” but the people that say that have never truly been suicidal. Anyone who has faced suicide knows how fucking hard it is, how it feels like it’s never going end, how it feels like your all alone and no one gives a shit about you or ever will. Suicide isn’t anyone's first choice; suicide isn’t something that anyone takes lightly. Suicide is something you have fought hundreds of times before you reach the point of trying to do it.
When I was suicidal, I kept it a secret from everyone because I didn’t want anyone to stop me. I am telling you from firsthand experience that if someone you know is suicidal, they will probably not tell you. They will probably do everything they can to hide it from you. They do not want you to stop them. That's why quite often family and friends never saw it coming, they never suspected.
Don't wait to find out someone is suicidal to tell them how much you Love them. Chances are by the time you find out; they've probably been dealing with it for a long time. Love everyone you can right now!! There is no tomorrow, it literally never comes. Tell people you Love them, hug your Loved ones like it's the last time you'll see them.
If you're reading this, I Love You, You Are Not Alone, It's ok. Reach out for help if you need it. Don't wait for signs of suicide to act, act now and prevent the suicidal thoughts before they start. Peace be with you!