In Memory Of Dr. Stephen Abdiel

Dr. Stephen Abdiel was the bravest and strongest man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He came into this world in order to protect a little girl from the home she was born into. A home filled with violence, terror, and chaos. He didn't choose to exist, but the little girl needed protection, and when he heard the call, he came running. That was who he was, someone who would always be there for everyone even at his own expense. Someone who would never stop Loving no matter what. He never stopped Loving anyone until the very end and never gave up hope that someday he would be able to be set free and return to peace. 

In order to protect the little girl, he endured a plethora of mental disorders such as, but not limited to, cptsd, gad, ocd, panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts, binge eating disorder, and dissociative identity disorder. He didn't have much of a life of his own, his entire existence was for the protection of the little girl. He stayed with the little girl for forty years and when he finally knew that the girl was safe from harm beyond a shadow of a doubt, he knew he could finally leave. He tested every person that was in the little girl's life to make sure that they wouldn't hurt her and that they would Love her and keep her safe. He always knew he wouldn't live past forty and he always knew he was going to die saving someone's life, he was right on both accounts. He never planned a life of his own because he never had a life. Little did he know, he didn't actually exist, even though he always suspected as much.

I am the little girl who created Stephen in my mind in order to protect myself. I did so on a subconscious level. It wasn't just one moment where this identity came from, rather a buildup of moments throughout years of abuse and neglect. I was a scared little girl who was trapped in a "home" with people that I could only see as monsters. I never had the chance to tell anyone who I was, everyone around me just kept calling me some name they assigned me and treating me differently than the rest of the girls because I looked different than they thought I should. I just went it. Sometime in my early childhood I couldn't take the abuse anymore and I checked out. I was always here watching everything play out while hiding in a deep dark room inside of Stephens soul. I watched life through Stephen's eyes and touched it through his hands. I was Stephen's soul, even though he couldn't see me. 

Stephen endured so much pain and hardship, just so I wouldn't have to. Stephen was Loved by only a few, but the few that Loved him, did so purely. He died on October 25th, 2024 and his memorial service was held on November 3rd, 2024 where his spirit was laid to rest. He went with grace and dignity, he went with Love in his heart, and he went to be with those who had left him before. Now I am all that remains, Stephen was born to protect, and he died so that I may live. He never even found out that the person's life he saved was mine. I had Dissociative Identity Disorder with two distinct identities, one of which wasn't real, a phantom of my imagination, only I forgot who I was and thought I was him. Thank you Dr. Stephen Abdiel for being you. Thank you for protecting me and saving my life, thank you for getting me somewhere safe and finding people who will Love me as I am and not who they think I should be. You are Loved and always were. Rest in Peace and Love my friend.

My Life Is A Lie

When I was a young child from my earliest memories around 3, I was ashamed of my body, but I didn't know why.  I Loved my body, and I really liked how it looked. I didn't have the capacity to understand what exactly it was that was "off" about me I just knew something was. When I was an older child, around the age of 7 or so, I started attending Sunday school at my evangelical Christian church and was indoctrinated with "gender roles" along with duties that went along with each assigned gender. When I had sex ed in fifth grade, the boys and girls were separated. I felt extremely uncomfortable being with the boys and found all of their remarks disgusting and vulgar. I wanted to be with the girls, that was never an option. I never spoke up because I knew no one would listen or care. 

As long as I could remember, I liked everyone, and I thought all genitals were pretty cool. I enjoyed playing "doctor" with boys just as much as girls.  I never really had a preference.  Being a "Christian", being anything other than your assigned gender was not an option. Since I was viewed as a man I wasn't allowed to like penis because it was gay. I didn't even know what any of those words meant when I was a kid, I just knew who I was and what I liked until I let everyone around me convince me otherwise. Part of me was always happy I never had to deal with menstruation and cramping that most women go through. I do crave to feel a child inside of me even though I know it's not possible with this body

Puberty hit and my body started to grow hair everywhere which I immediately hated. Everyone around me told me their opinions and I never stopped to ask myself why it was that I hated it so much. My testicles also grew and got all big and gross. I Loved my voice when I was a child but when puberty came, I stopped talking as much. I prefer not to hear the sound of my own voice. Once through puberty in my early teens I knew the answer to what I wasn't old enough to comprehend when I was 3 but had always known. I am a woman. I attempted to tell my "friends" to no avail. For years I would go around telling people that I was a woman trapped in a man's body, but no one believed me, and everyone thought I was joking or being a perv or something. At some point I got tired of trying to tell my "friends" and went into the role of a "perverted man". Not all men are perverted, I just took on that role.

I started to hate my body, mostly the body hair, big testicles, and deep voice. What I hated more than my body was the fact the not one single person in this world has ever seen me as me, Stephanie. I was given a boy's name by the people who... well you know. A few years ago I changed my name to Stephen, it was me trying to come out yet again as myself, Stephanie. I knew I wouldn't be accepted so I only went halfway-ish. I changed my gender to non-binary as a protest against gender. It feels so cruel that other people get to seen as the person they are inside and not just the body they were put into.

I was abandoned by my "family" and "friends" most of whom refused to even call me Steve. They couldn't even accept a man's name that was different than what they assigned to me. I have spent 40 years feeling guilty about who I am. Trying to change who I am. Trying to be who the world wants me to be. Trying to be a man. I don't watch the news because it's filled with people that hate me just because I feel this way. I didn't choose to feel like a fucking woman inside. Trust me, I could choose how to feel inside, I would choose to feel like a man. Life would be so much fucking easier.

I have always liked dresses and cute stuff. I have always wanted to be a mom; I didn't want to have any children of my own because I didn't want to be in the father role. I wanted to be a stay at home who takes care of her family and just Loves everyone and takes care of them. I want to be the mom that I never had. I want to be a wife to someone. I want all the things that a lot of women tend to want but I'm not allowed to have them because I'm a "man".

I married into a heterosexual marriage with a woman, and it was all an attempt at being the person everyone told me to be. I tried my best to be a man, I swear I did. I'm just never happy. I don't enjoy life. I don't want to be here. I think that this entire site was a plea for help. It's a shit marriage, I blame her because all I see are lies, but I am also fully aware that I am not the nicest person to be around. I get angry and frustrated a lot, even though the meditation and other practices do help a lot. I am playing the role of a "father" and a "husband" when all I want to be is a "wife" and a "mom". I feel trapped in this role, like I can't escape. I don't know how to. I feel suffocated by my own body so I numb it with marijuana. I cancel out the negative effects of marijuana with healthy eating and exercise.

I Love myself (Stephanie) because no one else does. I know it's a catch 22, that I present myself as a man and therefor people see me that way. I hide my true identity out of protection. I know the truth, anyone who doesn't see me for me (Stephanie) can fuck right off to hell and never speak to me again. I don't enjoy being alone, most of us don't, but I have been alone for 40 years. It is strange, as a child I always knew I wouldn't live to be 40. A few years before I turned 40 I had a "spiritual awakening" and started to face my fears, accept myself, Love myself, stop giving a shit what anyone thought, and most importantly stand up for myself. I think now that I subconsciously gave myself 40 years to try it society's way. Other people coming out with their stories definitely helps to see I am not the only person in the world who feels this way. Every time I think about being me (Stephanie) I literally freeze with fear. When I think about pretending to be a man, I feel gross, disgusting, ashamed, embarrassed, but mostly exhausted.

All I see are lies all around me. It feels like everyone around me is always lying to me. I can't tell reality from fiction and half the time I believe I am literally insane. Everyone feels like my enemy. Every time someone points out my gender or anything that reminds me of it, I get uncomfortable. I hate using the men's bathroom, but I could never go into a woman's bathroom today because "men are rapists and predators". Even though I Loved going in the woman's room with my birth giver when I was young. The woman who birthed me always told me that she wanted a daughter and all I could think is "I'm right here" and she would tell me that god told her that I was going to marry the girl who was meant to be her daughter. Once again, I'm right here.

I tried to live with my assigned gender for 40 years and I tried my best. I tried so fucking hard at it that I didn't really try at anything else. Being a "man" literally took all of the energy I had all the time. I was always exhausted. It feels really shitty living in a world where I am not allowed to be who I am! It feels really shitty living in a world where people want to kill me for something I can't control and that I didn't choose. It feels really shitty living in a world where everyone I know abandoned me. It feels really shitty living in a world where I don't know what is real and where I feel insane for the way I was born. I have gotten rid of every picture I have ever owned of myself, and I HATE having my picture taken. I hate who I see because I know it's not me. I don't like to look in the mirror but if I do, I try not to look at my body and just look into my eyes.

I live in an area filled with people who hate me and don't want me to exist. I can feel their hate on me every time I walk out the door. I will move to a more accepting area as soon as I am able to. I've been trying it societies' way for 40 years and I fucking hate everything about it. I'm thinking I try it my way now. I have no idea what that is. I feel like this is the truth but even this feels like a lie, I've been lying so long to everyone and myself. I want to live my truth instead of hiding it. If that means I have to walk this world alone then so be it. I guess this site just officially turned into my memoir of transitioning into who I am instead of who society wants me to be. This is my coming out since I have no one else to tell. Peace and Love!

Dark love

Dark love is the type of love that isn’t discussed enough. When you are born into dark love you believe it to be real Love. You don’t realize and can’t even comprehend that there may be a different kind of Love out there, and maybe one that doesn’t hurt quite so much all the time.

Dark love, black magic, curses, and casting spells are all cut from the same cloth. They are all used as a means of attempting to get rid of internal pain by means of passing it onto another soul whether they be innocent or not.

When a lost soul comes across someone who offers dark love, the lost soul can have a spell rendered onto them. This can also be viewed from an abuser/victim mentality. The spell cast by dark love is enough to blind the victim from all that is real and forces them into a fantismal reality within their own mind in order to cope with the reality of being under the spell of dark love.

While under the spell dark love, the victim will be unable to see anything that illuminates the curse of dark love. The victim will be unable to see the Love of light which has become unseen and unknowable to them.

Dark love cannot replace the Love of light. Darkness can only cast a shadow but the Love of light is always there and never leaves.

Dark Love can have a short lifespan in which case it was just a spell in which was overcome. The curse of dark love comes early in life when a child is shown nothing but a life of dark love and has no means of escaping. That child will grow into an adult with the curse of dark love following them wherever they go.

When a person is cursed from birth to live in dark love, often times they never break free. They continue to live in dark love and live in denial that there could ever be anything better. While continuing to pass their curse to whoever is around them that is willing to take it, even though the pain never leaves.

When living in dark love, death feels like home. When living in the Love of light, life feels like home.

What is dark love? Dark love is an illusion of the Love of light. Dark love is a lie. Dark love is not real. Dark love is when someone uses your love against you. Dark love is when someone lies about loving you in order to gain something from you. Dark love is mean and abusive.

Dark love is not real, it doesn’t exist. The only place it exists is within the mind of the victim. Dark love cannot be seen by anyone else because of the fact that it can only be seen within the mind of the victim. The victim wants to be Loved so desperately that they are willing to believe an illusion of Love instead of looking for the Love of light.

Very often everyone around the victim of the spell caster of the dark love will say they have no idea what the victim sees in their abuser. That answer is the victim see love because that is what they want to see and that is what the spell caster wants them to see. The victim simply doesn’t realize that they only see an illusion of the Love of light.

What is the Love of light? It is a Love that exists beyond the mind of the victim. It is a Love that can be witnessed both subjectively and objectively. It is a Love that is safe and comforting and asks nothing in return. Love of light cannot be spoken or explained, it can only be felt. Love of light spreads and infects. Whereas dark love only infects and destroys the victim.

Love of light can be felt, not physically or mentally but with every fiber of your being. Love of light can be experienced. Love of light lights up a room and makes everyone who is around it feel warm and peaceful. Love of light has no cares or worries. Love of light cannot be made, it just is. Whereas dark love it a fantasy sold to those who are in search of the Love of light.

If you have been cursed by dark love, it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong and did nothing to deserve the curse. The curse was placed upon you by someone other than yourself. If you are under the spell of dark love, it can be broken. You can break free and you can find the Love of light. Peace and Love!

I Don’t Need Your…

I don’t need your validation. 
I validate myself.

I don’t need you to rescue me or save me. 
I am not lost or in need of saving.

I don’t need your attention.
I can pay attention to myself.

I don’t need your affection. 
I can give myself affection.

I don’t need your sympathy.
there is nothing wrong with me.

I don’t need your time. 
I have plenty to give to myself.

I don’t need your praise or compliments. 
I can praise and compliment myself.

I don’t need your encouragement. 
I can encourage myself.

I don’t need your insecuritie.;
I am secure with myself and have no need for yours.

I don’t need your judgement. 
I have my own understanding.

I don’t need you suppressing me. 
Nothing can hide the light within the mountain.

I don’t need your forgiveness. 
Love requires none.

I don’t need your permission. 
I am a free spirit who is capable of overcoming every obstacle that comes my way.

I don’t need you to be my obstacle. 
Rocks have no obstacles.

I don’t need your body. 
I have my own.

I don’t need you to tell me what’s wrong with my body or what to do with my body. 
It is MY body!

I can no longer be hurt by you. 
That person is dead and all that is left is Life itself.

I don’t need your religion or your gods. 
I AM LIFE ITSELF!

I don’t need your dark love. 
I AM LOVE ITSELF!

I Am Life Itself

I am life itself

I am only responsible for the part of life that is considered “mine”

I exist so that life may experience itself through me

Life doesn’t need to explain itself to anyone

All life is equal

All forms of life are small pieces of the jigsaw puzzle of life. Life isn’t whole with any pieces missing.

Life is neutral, only I can decide to see it as negative or positive.

Life gave birth to me so that I may give birth to life.

I am life itself