Eating Disorder

Disclaimer: This is my personal experience and beliefs about dealing with an eating disorder, this post is not meant to diagnose anyone or offer any medical advice. I do not claim to make any definitive statements that universally apply to everyone. This post is to simply show you that you are not alone in your experience. If you are struggling from an eating disorder, please reach out for help.

Twenty years is how long I have suffered from binge eating disorder. Through inner healing, trauma work, therapy, mediation, emotional self-awareness and acceptance I have been able to overcome this debilitating disorder in my life. As with any type of addiction there is always a chance of it coming back but through continuous healing this disorder can be overcome.

I believe that my binge eating disorder originated within my childhood. I had a close family member who also suffers from binge eating disorder and so I see it as a behavior that I learned and adapted through watching my family member, since our closest family members are where we learn our behaviors. To add to the learned behavior, I had a very rough childhood filled with every imaginable abuse and trauma. To top it all off I also grew up in a poor family where we mostly ate whatever food was cheapest but not necessarily healthy. Fruits and vegetables were limited and more often than not, they were out of a can. I was very skinny as a child, I had very little body fat and if I sucked in my stomach, I was basically a skeleton with skin.

Around the time I hit puberty, I started avoiding being at home as much as possible due to the abuse. I would stay the night at friends whenever possible and would rarely be home. When I stayed at my friends' houses, they all seemed to have actual food in their houses which I wasn't accustomed to. I was used to hot dogs, bologna, off brand kraft singles, and pastas but when I would go to my friends' houses, they would have deli meats, frozen pizzas, chips, and all other sorts of goodies that I just never had at home. I loved all this amazing food that I didn't get at home. I wanted to eat as much of this delicious food that I could, while I had the chance. The food also seemed to make me happy, I didn't have to think about how miserable I was or my shitty home life, I could just live it up eating like a king and feeling like royalty.

The issue was, I was ashamed of being poor and not having any of this food at home. I was ashamed that I wanted to just eat and eat and eat so I wasn't able to eat very much. I also knew it was rude to go to someone's house and eat all their food that they pay their hard-earned money for, I knew how valuable food was but I also knew I "needed" it, I just couldn't stop eating it. Eventually I started waiting until my friends and their families were asleep and I would sneak into their kitchen and make myself a feast. Being that there was a limited amount of food in my house I usually had to fight over whatever scraps were left with my brother who was older and bigger after my parents got their fill. Needless to say, there wasn't usually very much left for me, but when I would sneak into my friend's kitchens at night, I could have a feast and not have to fight for scraps or be bullied for eating too much. 

That was when it all started. As I got older, I continued that habit. Always eating at night, in secret, in shame, in guilt, in despair. Even after I moved out of my parents' home and had the financial ability to buy any food I wanted, I would still binge most every night. It was a way of numbing my pain, even if for a little while. While I never purged due to the fact that I utterly hate vomiting and diarrhea, I would very often use fasting, exercise, and dieting as methods of keeping my weight down. During puberty when I started binging, I went from skinny to overweight in what seemed like overnight. My doctor said it was puberty and that I would grow into my weight, but he wasn't aware of my eating disorder. I somehow always managed to keep myself from getting to obese but I was always overweight. I hid it from everyone, no one knew and if anyone ever figured it out, I wasn't aware since no one ever mentioned it to me.

As soon as I was alone every night, I would eat anything and everything I could get my hands on. I never cared much for sweets even though I wasn't opposed to them, for me it was usually the salty foods that I craved, cheeses, chips, deli meats, pizza, and the like. I would just eat until I physically couldn't eat any more, until I was bursting and in pain. I just couldn't stop, no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, and no matter how much I fucking hated it. I hated that I would binge and the more I would binge, the more I would hate myself, and the more I would hate myself, the more I would binge. I was trapped in an endless cycle that appeared that I was going to be trapped in for the rest of my life.

I can't really pinpoint what it was that turned my life around, I don't believe it was one specific thing or event but a series of events that led me to where I am now. I do know that a pivotal moment for me was I finally admitted that I in fact had an eating disorder, not only to myself but to someone else. We can't solve a problem until we first admit that there is in fact a problem. One of the hardest things I have ever done was to admit out loud to someone I trusted that I had a problem. The person I trusted has never judged me or shamed me about my eating disorder and was only ever supportive of me. If you decide to reach out to someone, find someone who is a safe space for you whether it be a partner, a friend, a therapist, or a religious leader. You know who makes you feel safe and who doesn't. I believe wholeheartedly that admitting I had a problem was the begging of my healing, even though I still had a long road ahead of me. 

During this period of my life, I had undergone multiple huge life transformations. I decided to finally go no contact with my entire family. I went through extensive psychotherapy. I got into mediation, hypnosis, learned about emotional intelligence, explored my relationship with food, and trauma healing. Ultimately, I learned how to Love myself. The more I healed, the less desire I had to binge. I eventually went from binging every night to only a few times a week and then even went down to just once or twice a week. I didn't accomplish this through any effort on my own since whenever I would try not to binge it only seemed to increase the desire. I just focused on Loving and healing myself and the desire to binge decreased on its own. I only ever read one book related to my disorder and while I'm not sure how much credit I can actually give to the book, I feel like it helped in my journey. The book was "Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Emotional Eating: Set yourself free from binge-eating and comfort-eating" in case you're interested.

If you suffer from an eating disorder, I promise you that you are not alone even though you feel that way. I understand the amount of shame that comes with it. I understand the self-loathing and self-hatred that comes from that shame. I wish I could offer you an easy solution that would cure you in the blink of an eye or give you a magic button to push but I simply can't do that. There is no quick fix, there is no simple cure. Chance are you will have to fight long and hard to pull yourself out of the cycle. A few years ago, no one in this world even knew I had an eating disorder and today I'm posting my story where it has the ability to be seen around the world. I have no more shame; I no longer allow my eating disorder to control my life through shame. 

The eating disorder isn't the destroyer, it's the shame. Push past your shame and seek help, there is nothing to be ashamed of! This is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong! Find someone that you can trust, find someone that you feel safe with and ask for help. It's ok to ask for help. Forgive yourself and never stop forgiving yourself, just keep forgiving yourself. Love yourself, treat yourself with kindness and gentleness. You deserve to be happy; you deserve to be free from shame, you deserve to be free from your eating disorder, you deserve to be happy! There is an end in sight if you so choose, this eating disorder does not have to control your life and you don't need to live with it any longer. You are Loved, You are worthy, You are amazing, You have nothing to be ashamed of! Love and Peace friend!