The Two Trees

I don’t have to believe every thought that comes to My mind, My thoughts encapsulate the ego which is never satisfied and is always wanting more. The desire for more is a natural survival instinct. This instinct ensures get we continue eating and drinking and fucking in order to ensure species survival. If we were able to be satisfied at the egoic level we would stop seeking out food, water, and sex and eventually our species would die out. In order for our species to survive this instinct can never be satisfied because we would die. This instinct is impossible to fulfill, it will always want more and too accomplish the desire to always have more this instinct will always make you believe that you have never had enough in the past. If you could see you have always had not only enough but you have always had way more than enough you would stop wanting more. 

Your mind doesn’t allow you to see that you have enough which is what leads you to wanting more. We can see examples all over the world of people who are always wanting more, more food, more money, more fame, more power, and so on and so on. Since the universe works on the principle of balance there is a counterbalance to the ego which is wisdom. Wisdom is what gives us the common sense to not overindulge and not live in excess. It’s a perfectly natural instinct to want more and wisdom tells us to be content with what we have. Wisdom tells us that nothing good comes from greed, envy, gluttony or lust not because they are immoral but simply because those things just cause us to inflict our own suffering upon ourselves. 

We create our own suffering and misery when practicing and living in overindulgence, if overindulgence becomes too strong, we create our own hell that we choose to live in. Wisdom tells us to enjoy life, live it to the fullest, want just what you need and no more. Wisdom tells us that when we stop overindulging and wanting more we come to the center of our being. The center that nature intended for us. The center of our selves where our wisdom and our wanting for more can work together in harmony. 

By giving in to the desire of wanting more we give in to the needs of the ego which can never and will never be satisfied leaving us in suffering and misery. When we identify with our ego and our natural instinct to want more without counterbalancing it with wisdom, the ego takes over due to its heavier weight from being used more and tips the scale. If we use too much wisdom and we live life where we restrict our instinct to want more we end up being all out of balance in a completely different way. When living in our natural center we find peace and harmony instead of chaos and discord. 

The tree of life is the ego, and the tree of knowledge is wisdom. Eating the fruit of the tree of life is overindulging and wanting more, the belief that you are missing out on something better. When we overindulge and believe that we are missing out on something better we fail to see the perfect and beautiful garden we are standing in. Doubt (Satan) caused the fear to arise that we are missing out and eating the fruit (overindulging) of the tree of life tips the natural balance out of scale and we get banished from the garden of Eden. Eating from the tree of life (ego) leads to death. 

The tree of knowledge is the wisdom that helps us to find our way back. Wisdom shows us how the tree of life is what got us banished from the garden and so we need the other tree to get back in. Wisdom is the key to the garden. Our hinderance is that we are afraid of the tree of knowledge, we don’t trust it since the other tree got us banished. We have to face our fear and move past it to get to the tree of knowledge. When we start partaking in the fruit from the tree of knowledge it balances the scales back out and we can open our eyes to see ourselves having never left the garden to begin with. We only thought we did because we didn’t believe we had enough and were always looking for more. Desire is what lead to the belief that there is something better than God already made perfect. Desire is what created the physical realm where all forms shall perish. Partake in the fruit from the tree of knowledge and attain the wisdom that there is no death. Love and Peace!

A Game

Within this incarnation I have been drawn to ninjas, spies, snipers, assassins, and magicians. I wasn't drawn to the violence that those positions generally are connected to; in fact, I loathed the violence. There is an excitement to moving about undetected and unnoticed. There is a power that comes with invisibility. I learned this in my childhood when I would live my life sneaking around the house avoiding my abusers. I learned to go unseen and unheard. I developed an extraordinary talent to be unseen in a room full of people. If I was seen, I was beaten but I couldn't be beaten if I couldn't be seen. I lived my life in hiding. I'm older now, I'm stronger now, and I don't need to hide anymore.

I learned a lot about people with me being a ghost in this world. I learned how people act when they are alone versus when they are around others. I learned that most people put on a show that they want people to believe and that they are too worried about anyone finding out their secret that they are unable to pay very much attention to anything that is going on around them. I learned that the poorer you look, the more invisible you are. Most people will not make eye contact with homeless humans. I learned all sorts of ways to remain undetected in this world. To be honest, I used this to my own advantage earlier in life. I would find opportunities for myself to benefit in some way from someone else's inattention. I usually had too much guilt and shame inside of me to do anything to nefarious.

One day I had a question come to my mind about whether or not it was possible to do a completely selfless act. An act that only benefits the target. I viewed it as a challenge, not an impossible challenge but a very complicated one. It was a puzzle that I wanted to solve. I wanted to know how to do a purely selfless act or if it can even be done. There was debate on whether or not to write this post since that could essentially be making my acts not selfless but as I am not writing about specific acts I have done; they are remaining selfless. I have to admit it was harder than I thought it would be, every idea I had seemed to benefit me in one way or another which negates the selflessness of the act. I didn't want to do this out of any sort of obligation or moral aspect, I simply liked the challenge of the idea. A philosophical experiment so to speak. 

I came up with some guidelines for myself. In order for an act to be selfless I couldn't benefit in any way. Which means I can't tell anyone about it because that feels good to me. I realized that even me watching the act wouldn't be selfless since watching someone become happy and knowing that I helped give them that joy made me feel good too. I like to give people joy and kindness so me watching their joy completely negates the experiment. I had to find ways to do an act of kindness for people without them ever having known that I even existed and without me being witness or party to it. I Love the idea of "pay it forward" which was big for a while but even with that, you're risking praise from the cashier or other customers which would once again give me that good feeling.

It was hard and it took some time, but I eventually found some ways in which I can do random acts of kindness for people and no one but me knows it was me who did it and I don't get to see their reaction. Honestly, not being able to see their reaction is probably the hardest part. As stated earlier I will not be sharing specific acts that I do but I will give example scenarios that are similar to acts I would do. Have you ever found a twenty dollar bill hidden in a pocket of a jacket that has been in the closet for months and you think "it must be my lucky day" and the amount of joy you feel the rest of the day and you can't wait to tell everyone you know about it and start thinking about what you're going to get with this free money that just randomly showed up in your life. Those are the kind of things I do. 

Obviously, I'm not breaking into people's houses to put a twenty in their pocket. for them to find, but I do things similar to that where the target may not even come across my kind act for quite some time. I never know when my targets will receive their act of kindness and I'm never around to see it. My ability to become invisible as a child due to abuse is what lead this game. I Love this game, it's one of my favorite pastimes. I can't describe the thrill I get knowing I gave someone joy. I realize that the fact that I get a thrill means it's not selfless, doesn't mean I can't keep trying though. Maybe I am playing an impossible game, maybe it is impossible to do a completely selfless act, so I'll just keep trying. Something is only impossible until it's not. Either way I'm spreading joy with my super-secret ninja random acts of kindness. Maybe you have been a victim of my ninja kindness and aren't even aware of it and I'm not the only one, there are other kindness ninjas out there too. I am grateful for my past since it brought me to my present. My dark childhood is what led me to the light. Love and Peace!

Loyalty

I always prided myself in my ability to stay loyal to those I Love. I was so proud of this attribute within myself. I would brag about how loyal I was, I would use my loyalty as my proof of my Love. Growing up learning that I had to earn Love or lose Love. Love could be used as a punishment or a reward. I was treated like last week's garbage and was only given scraps of Love, just enough to stay alive, but no extra to grow, evolve, or thrive. I was trained to be loyal; I was rewarded with Love when I was loyal, and I would be punished by having that Love taken away when I wasn't loyal. I realized that loyalty meant that I would let anyone treat me however they choose to, and I would just deal with it, I would just keep forgiving them, and they would never stop hurting me. When I stopped giving my loyalty, I was punished by losing their Love again. It was only then that I realized they never truly Love me.

When you truly Love someone, you don't need their loyalty. When you truly Love someone, you want them to be happy even if that means that you aren't in their life. When someone Loves you because they are being forced to Love you, it is not true Love, it is a prison. Love has to be freely given, Love cannot be taken or forced. You cannot make someone Love you and you can't make anyone take your Love that you're trying to give them. Most often the only reason someone needs you to be loyal to them, is because they are using you for their own personal gains. When you give someone your loyalty you are giving them a free pass to do whatever they want to you, since they know you will never leave.

Cults use fear and loyalty to keep you trapped in the cult. Cults make you afraid of the "outside" world while convincing you to stay loyal to the cults cause whatever it may be. We are loyal to political parties, and they use that loyalty to take advantage of the general public. Politicians know that they only need do very little in terms of actual change and progress, most of the political environment is simply a popularity contest. Our loyalty to our political party is what keeps the system broken. Our loyalty is our weakness. Only about 20% of Americans trust the government. We are loyal to our political parties, and they are not loyal to us.

I was trained to be proud of the fact that I was loyal. As long as I was loyal, I would keep quiet, and they would keep using me for their gains. No one should be taught that loyalty is a good thing. When someone tells you they want your loyalty they are saying "I want you to take whatever abuse I give you and you better be happy about it". It could be argued that loyalty can't always be negative especially when two people are loyal to each other and neither one is using or abusing the other. A healthy, happy, and Loving relationship could have loyalty. Loyalty isn't required in a healthy relationship; it is freely given by both parties. We live in a reciprocal Universe.

God is Love. We are made in God's image (Love) therefor we are Love. Matthew 18:20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them. When two or more people gather in Love (God's name) there Love (God) is with them. The two are joined together in Love (God) and become one with Love (God). All is Love, all is God. Love doesn't need your loyalty; it is given freely. Love and Peace!

The Ragdoll

*20 Minute Read

I am holding the ace of hearts card in my hand, she is saying that it is the two of clubs card in my hand. I say to her, no that is the ace of hearts and she says no it isn’t. I try getting her to look at the card so she can see that I am holding the ace of hearts. After repeated attempts to get her to look at the card and several pleas, all the while she is telling me everything I need to change about myself in order to see the card as a two of clubs. She finally relents and looks at the card, I feel relief and joy as see will finally be able to see that I am holding the ace of hearts. After looking at the card for only a second, she says it is the two of clubs. I am exasperated and feel lost as to what the hell is going on. My eyes are seeing the ace of hearts and yet she is telling me that my eyes are wrong and that I am wrong, and I am holding the two of clubs. 

I then try explaining what letters and numbers are. I think that maybe she just doesn’t understand what letters and number are so she is just confused. I try teaching her the alphabet and she plays along like I am doing something noble, like she’s so happy to have someone like me around to teach her things. Some time goes by, I am feeling good, I am feeling happy. She makes me feel special and important. I teach her the alphabet and numbers one through ten, and I am now sure she will see the card that I am showing her. I can feel it, the day has finally come I pull out my card and show her the ace of hearts and she just stands there expressionless and says it’s the two of clubs. I am flabbergasted. I explain how the A on my card is the same A that is in the alphabet. She agrees but still says it’s the two of clubs card. I then make my next mission to teach her about the symbols on the cards. She keeps telling me that she wants to see the card the way I see it and maybe I need to try harder or stop doing certain things that I do, I need to change so she can see the card that I do. After teaching her about the symbols she still says the wrong card. 

I start to think that maybe I am the one who is insane, maybe my eyes are deceiving me, and maybe I am wrong. If I am wrong that means that I can change or should. I don’t want to be insane; no one wants to be insane. Now I have this new fear of being insane because she refuses to say anything other than the two of clubs. I suggest that we bring in a card expert, someone who is an outside unbiased party to assess the card and they can clear things up for us in a matter of seconds. She refuses and tells me that I am the reason we can’t get a card expert, I said that doesn’t make sense because I am the one that suggested it. She then convinces me that I am the one who refuses to get a card expert. I try reverse psychology on her and try showing her the two of clubs card to see what she will do and she says it’s the seven of diamonds. I try giving up and walking away, I mean enough is enough already. I reach the point of not giving a shit anymore. I accept that I see the card as an ace of hearts and that she sees the two of clubs and I will just agree to disagree. Or I really am insane which I also accept as a possibility. 

After years and years, I try leaving and she threatens to take all my stuff and leave me with nothing. She claims that since she bought all my stuff for me and that she owns it all and I am entitled to none of it. She tells me how horrible I am for trying to leave and how selfish I am and how I am so selfish. Having a heart in my chest that feels empathy for other people, I start to feel remorse and regret. Maybe I am being a little harsh, maybe I am being a jerk. I can clearly see how upset she is and she hasn’t really done anything all that bad. I mean it’s just a silly little card that we disagree about. I can stay here and just agree to disagree or I can try to leave and she will take everything from me and I will be a selfish jerk if I l leave her since I know that being alone is her biggest fear, she makes sure to tell me frequently. 

I accept that I am stuck. I decide to let bygones be bygones, I’ll do my thing and live my own life. I decide to not care about the card anymore and remove it from my thoughts. I just start to get a little happy and content and she starts bringing cards up in conversation. She’ll find a way to sneak in a remark with any of the following words in them: card, ace, heart, two, clubs, deck. I ignore the remarks for some time, I tell myself it’s just a coincidence. Finally I get annoyed and I let my emotions get the best of me and ask her why she keeps talking about cards and she tells me she’s not and she doesn’t know what I am talking about and I am just trying to tell her what to do. She goes on and on for days about how I don’t respect her and how she’s not going to take it from me. I would Love to defend my perspective but I know after all these years that my perspective is always wrong. My perspective has never been “right”. It never matters what my perspective is, she will always and inevitably disagree. I'm not allowed to have a perspective and I know to keep my mouth shut and not say anything. 

I start to retract and withdraw since I don’t like how I feel around her. She then starts to get sad and emotional because I am ignoring her and being mean to her by not spending any time with her. I feel completely lost, I can’t tell anyone because there’s no evidence. Even if I try telling anyone, she will tell the opposite story. No one would believe me, that’s been made clear. I am miserable and alone. I have tried to seek help and there either is none to tell, or no one cares. I learned to stop seeking help, I learned to stop trying to get out. Even when I would find ways to escape for short periods, she would find a way to pull me back in, either with guilt, shame, or fear. She never Loved me; she only used me for her games. I was a toy to her, someone to play with. Her ragdoll. 

She took her aggression out on me and she killed her boredom with my misery. The worst of it was that I was a ragdoll who didn’t know they were a ragdoll. I saw myself as the same as her, a person, a human being, a companion. Whereas she only saw me as a literal ragdoll, she never saw me as a human being. She never saw a person underneath with a heart that bleeds. She never saw the human who just wanted to Love her. She couldn’t comprehend that a ragdoll could Love her because she didn’t see the ragdoll as being alive. Maybe she was so dead inside that see couldn’t see the life inside someone else, that’s only one guess within a sea of billions. Only she knows why she does what she does. All the ragdoll wanted was to Love her and asked very little in return. All the ragdoll wanted was just some peace. The ragdoll just wanted to be themselves without always feeling like they were doing something wrong all the time whether they tried or not. 

The ragdoll learned to find beauty where they could. The ragdoll learned to be content hiding alone in a closet. The ragdoll learned that this is just how life is. One day the ragdoll decided to find beauty wherever they could. Find Love and peace wherever they could. To find joy whenever possible. The ragdoll knows that they were once a human and they were never anything but a human, but they have been treated like a ragdoll for so long, had been convinced for so long, that they honestly can’t remember, they honestly can’t tell. They feel like a ragdoll pretending to be a human instead of a human pretending to be a ragdoll. The ragdoll hopes to be human again someday, the ragdoll hopes to feel alive again but is also really exhausted from always making sure they aren’t doing the wrong thing that will upset their captor.

This captor kills with kindness. To everyone else this person is amazing and wonderful, and no one would ever guess this person would be so cruel to their ragdoll. This captor kills the soul, the heart, and the life out of their victim. This captor doesn’t leave any marks, scars, or evidence. They just leave the victim questioning their own sanity. They kill the victims will to live. I’ve been sexually abused, I’ve been verbally abused, and I’ve been physically abused. I’ve been bullied, I’ve been teased, and I’ve been physically tortured. I would take any of that over the psychological torture I was forced to endure. Psychological torture is torture that makes you question your very own sanity for the sake of another’s amusement, let those words sink in for a moment.  

Since the people who torture others psychologically are so good at it, they are good enough to not leave evidence, at least on the surface. The psychological scars are extremely damaging, and they definitely leave a mark. It’s easy to tell who has been tortured psychologically by how they act. Low will to live, very low self-esteem, quiet and standoffish, socially awkward or anxious, attention seeking behavior, and irregular aggression. Usually accompanied with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, cptsd, and so on. As a ragdoll, the hardest thing to accept is the fact that they will never see you as human. What keeps you trying and what keeps you staying is the hope that one day they will see you as a human and when they see you, they will feel remorse for how they treated you realizing that you are in fact a human and they will see that all you wanted was to Love them. They do not and will not feel remorse. If they were going to feel any remorse, they would have by now.

THEY WILL NEVER SEE YOU AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A RAGDOLL! I will add in, unless they want to, but DO NOT use that as another reason to stick around. It is ONLY if and when they decide they want to stop seeing you as a ragdoll that they will do so. The thing is, they have absolutely no reason to stop seeing you that way and most never will and there is nothing you can do about it ever. You cannot make them want to change, and there is nothing you can do. It is a very hard pill to swallow. Ragdolls are usually people with the biggest hearts and the most Love to give. Ragdolls could make this world a beautiful and bright place to live if so many of them weren’t being dragged along by their captors. Want to know what it is like to be a person who is in a psychologically abusive environment? It’s like being one of the toys in Sid’s room from Toy Story. 

You can get out. You have to want to leave before you can get out and you can’t want to leave as long as you have any hope that they will change and see the light. It’s not going to happen, I’m not saying it is impossible, I am simply saying, do not count on it. Accept they will not change and there is nothing you can do. Accept that you are allowed to leave and that does not make you a bad person or mean there is anything wrong with you. Accept that they will turn everyone against you when you leave, not that they have allowed anyone close enough to you anyway. They pushed everyone out of your life a long time ago. Accept that they don’t or won’t or can’t feel empathy at least towards you. This is a hard one to accept since you yourself may find empathy comes easily to you and are convinced that given enough Love anyone could feel empathy also. If someone does not have empathy, you cannot make them have it. If someone doesn’t use empathy, they don’t know what they are missing and they don’t know just how good empathy can be. 

The Ace of hearts card in the story represents my heart, I tried to give her my heart and ended up her ragdoll. What do you do when you captor is your mother, and your natural instinct is to Love her unconditionally. When you’re born with an innate desire to trust and please her. I wanted to give up, I wanted to quit so many times, the one factor she didn’t consider and the thing that she didn’t count on was the Love I had for myself even though she tried to squash it. She underestimated what a little boy with a rock (Love) could accomplish same as David did when he defeated Goliath. No evil, no matter how big it appears, can win against Love.

The Love I have for myself is what saved me. I saved me. What do you do when you are drowning in the middle of the ocean and there is no one around for hundreds of miles? You either give up and drown or you start swimming. Just keep swimming until you find dry land. Giving up is easy and I don’t ever blame anyone for going that path. God knows how many times I came close to giving up for good. Fighting is hard when you’re being led to believe that Loving yourself is selfish. That standing up for yourself is selfish. That anything you do is selfish. Then you have to fight the fear of being selfish and stop caring what they think or say or do. You have to find a way out which they make very difficult and near impossible. I am not alone, I only feel alone because I was made to feel like a ragdoll who wasn’t allowed to have emotions, a voice, or an existence. I was made to feel as if I didn’t exist simply because I didn’t exist to that person. 

This is for all the ragdolls in the world, you are not alone, we are not alone, most of us are just in hiding and some of us have gotten free but still don’t feel like we belong. There are a few of us have been out so long we have found our original selves, who we were before our captor got ahold of us. Wherever you are and whatever stage you're in, you are not just a ragdoll, and you deserve better! You deserve to be alive and to be yourself and being yourself won't destroy the universe no matter what your captor wants you to believe. Love and Peace Family!

Mythology

What has not yet been proven nor disproven remains real and unreal simultaneously. Nothing can be real until proven so and nothing can be unreal unless proven so. For something to be proven everyone would have to agree, even then something could only be real because everyone wants to believe it's real whether or not there is any evidence. Blind faith is the belief that something is real despite any and all evidence to the contrary. The belief that something is real does not make it real. The belief that something is not real would not make the real thing disappear.

Unicorns, bigfoot, ghosts, spirits, angels, demons, dragons, fairies, and any and all other mythical beings are real until proven unreal. They are also unreal until proven real. Does it matter which way we see it? Since they are both real and unreal we can decide to see them as real and if they are proven unreal, we had some fun anyways and no harm was done. We can also decide to see them as unreal and live a very fulfilling life.

I wander the enchanted Midwest forests looking for dragons or bigfoots. Occasionally stopping off at the cemetery after dark to commune with those who are unbodied. Have a lazy afternoon swinging in the hammock listening to chill music while the wind dances with me. I climb some trees and hang around way up high like our very early ancestors did.

I hike and I stop along the way to hang out and commune with whatever wildlife decides to show up and pay a visit. I hug the trees, sing with the birds, and play with the insects. Explore remote or abandoned places, hang out on the beach, and do some meditation from time to time with the Great Spirit. Go to my angels and guardians for guidance. I get my feet and hands dirty and have an active imagination and sense of wonder.

I Love finding the biggest and best playgrounds around. I go kayaking or camping and also ride bikes on occasion. I don't mind being spontaneous and going on impromptu adventures. I sail the high seas as a pirate or sneak around undetected as a ninja. I can be a princess on a castle with my dragon or I can be Robin hood who helps the poor. I can be an explorer like Indiana Jones or a pilot like Amelia. I can walk on other planets and meet extraterrestrials. I don't let fear dictate my life and I have pockets full of rocks. I am a kid at heart who still Loves to watch the clouds roll by and see what they turn into. I finish my days being told a goodnight story by the stars.

Why is it considered crazy or insane to believe that something is real that has not been proven real or unreal. Why is it so taboo for us to use our imagination? Why are so many of us afraid of our imagination? 

We can choose to decide to not believe in the mysterious, the miraculous, or the mystical since they have not been proven real. Or we can decide to believe in them since they have not been proven unreal. Believe in what you want to. Love and Peace!