Journal Entry

Within the last week I have seen that I constantly look over my shoulder. I do so due to being bullied as a child and as a means of seeking attention and affection. I watch over my shoulder out of fear that my "family" was going to come bully, tease, or abuse me at any given moment. I constantly had to be on edge and always watching out. I never knew what they were going to tease me about next so I knew I couldn’t give them anything to tease me about. I would shut down or stop anytime they were near or anytime there was even a chance they were near. I had learned the habit of shutting down or turning off over the course of a childhood due to their constant harassment. 

Due to a lack of any affection as a child I was always seeking affection from my mother due to human nature. My "family" denying me any type of attention, affection, or validation trained me be to someone who is a people pleaser, someone who is always seeking attention, affection, and validation, and someone who is insecure. I also learned the dark arts of manipulation, control, and abuse. Having fought myself from being myself in order to protect myself from being bullied and abused. I became two people, the one who is and the one who hides the one who is in order to protect me.

I didn't know who I was since I wasn’t in a safe environment to allow myself to be myself. I had to control myself and keep myself safe. I spent my childhood in constant and endless fear, I don’t know Love because all I knew was fear. As long as I can remember I just wanted my family to die so I could be left alone. I never wanted to kill them or harm them in anyway, I just wanted my freedom from them, and I thought that was the only way I would ever get it. One day I realized that I didn’t have to wait for them to die to be free of them. I could just walk away…. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.  

It has been almost a year, and I am finding Love, I can see Love growing inside of me. I learned to fear Love because I have never known Love, I was teased for my Love and so I learned to suppress my Love. I know that I am safe now, I know that I can let myself go and that I can just be me now, I don’t need to protect myself anymore, I AM SAFE!

First I remembered the abuse, then the neglect and lastly the teasing and bullying. As I’ve had my memories come back to me that had been forgotten oh so long ago, I’ve been able to see all the things that weren’t normal. All the things that weren’t healthy, and all the things that are just plain fucked up. All the things that I didn’t deserve, and that nobody deserves to go through. You don't deserve to be treated like shit no matter what anyone tells you. No one deserves to be treated like shit. There is nothing you can do that would cause you to deserve to be treated like shit.

It would be nice to have an answer to the question “why?” why the fuck did they treat me that way, why the abuse, why the bullying and teasing, why the neglect. If they didn’t want me, which they made clear to me my entire life, why didn’t they just get rid of me?

I will never know and if you ask my family, I am the selfish asshole. But I don’t care that I will never have any answers, I don’t care that I won’t ever have closure, and I don’t care about what they even think anymore! I don’t care that I will never get an apology from them. I don't care that they won't ever even acknowledge anything they've done. I AM FREE!

I don’t ever have to be treated like shit again, I don’t ever have to be blamed for anything again. I don't have to be used anymore. I don’t have to be made to feel guilty about everything that I do all the time. I don’t ever have to look over my shoulder again. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not anymore so they wouldn’t bully me. I don’t have to care about what they say or think about me anymore. I don’t have to be the “bad guy” anymore. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want too ever again. I am free.

Walking away from my “family” was hard because I constantly felt like I was being selfish by walking away and going no contact. I felt guilt and shame all the time about it as if I had done something wrong. I became terrified of being selfish. I created a website on a whim, didn’t even know what I was going to use it for, I just knew I had to do it. Next thing I know I’m starting a blog type discussion page and sharing my thoughts, experiences and ideas with the world. Thanks to the help from a true friend who believed in me so much that they selflessly promoted my site in order to help me spread Love and peace. My site has been seen around the world.

My fear of being selfish lead me to spread Love to everyone that I could in order to prove to myself that I was not selfish all the while feeling selfish about it. I now know that these are all learned behaviors and habits from my childhood and what has been learned can be unlearned or changed. I am who I am because I walked away. I wasn’t allowed to be me as long as they were in my life. I never knew who I was, I never knew anything about myself. I am learning who I am. I am getting to know myself and I Love me. The more I Love myself, the more I Love those around me and the more I Love those around me, the more I Love myself. I’m finding Love all around me and I have so much to spare that I give it the world the best way I can. I am being the change I want to see in the world. More Love, more acceptance, more forgiveness, more understanding and more peace.

This site is my evolution on my path to Love. My liberation, my perspective, and my experiences. I share my stories and thoughts in hopes that they may help others who may be going through the same things I have. Loving others came easily to me, Loving myself on the other hand is something I have had to work very hard on. I now see that it is hard to Love yourself when those around you are always telling you what is wrong with you. When those around you are teaching you that it is selfish to Love yourself. 

Do I regret cutting my "family" out of my life? No. 

Do I miss them? No, I miss the idea of having a family, but I know that I never really had one. 

Am I happy? I believe that learning to be happy is a process and takes time. I am definitely happier overall than I used to be. I am no longer suicidal, I no longer wish I didn't exist, and I'm excited to see what life brings me and what my future holds.

Love and Peace!

The Illusion Of Consciousness

Consciousness is a concept that the unconscious mind creates in order to try to understand itself. The you that is reading this believes that it is the conscious mind which has a separate unconscious mind hiding underneath the conscious mind somehow. We call it the shadow, the dark, unconsciousness, soul, spirit, life energy, and so on and so forth. We believe that we have fundamentally two levels of consciousness, for fairness, it has also been claimed that we have three levels which includes the subconscious level. Then there is what would be called universal consciousness which we will get to in a minute. We need to first explain how individual consciousness is an illusion and why it was created in order to understand the collective or universal consciousness or unconsciousness. 

We cannot see our consciousness; we believe our unconscious to be the opposite of our consciousness. The unconsciousness cannot see itself; the unconsciousness cannot understand itself. We all know this to be true when any of us are asked to describe our unconscious which is also known as soul, spirit, life energy or life force. We can't describe our soul or essence because we have no way of looking at it, no way of seeing it. We have no way of comprehending what we are at our core. In an attempt at understanding ourselves and who or what we are, we created the world around us so we could try to see ourselves. We try to see ourselves through "others". We decide who we are based on how "others" see us, we then form a persona and call it "self". The "self" is formed in childhood and usually sticks around until what we call death or for some of us until we decide to let go of the "self" before death.

The "self" is simply a collection of personalities, identities, thoughts, beliefs, symbols, images about "ourselves" that we collect in order to figure out who we are. We create this concept called "self" and we say that the "self" has consciousness and since we say that we have consciousness that means we must in fact have an unconsciousness. The unconscious does not exist anymore than consciousness exists. Consciousness is made up by the "Self" we create in order to try to understand ourselves which we can never do since there is no consciousness or unconsciousness in which to understand. The "Self" that is trying to figure out what it is, is only a concept or an idea of what it thinks it is and therefor can never see what it is.

One of the biggest questions humankind faces is what is consciousness? No one knows exactly what consciousness is, no one understands it. The answer is, there is no consciousness. No one can understand consciousness because it simply doesn't exist. Obviously, the argument would be "but I exist, I know I do, I'm right here, the fact that I am having this discussion and aware of the fact that I am here doing it just proves that I am conscious." That doesn't really prove anything aside from a vague awareness in general. If you believe that you are conscious and that you are the self that you created in order to understand yourself then explain who you are that isn't considered the "self". Take away everything considered the self and what are you left with? The self creates consciousness, without the self, there is no consciousness. Strip the self of all labels and see what is left.

That which is left after removing everything that you refer to as "self" is who you are. Without any "self" there is nothing left to create the consciousness in order to understand itself. When the "self" disappears the unconscious shows that the conscious is a self-created illusion. When the conscious is seen for what it is, which is nothing, the unconscious vanishes along with it. This is what is referred to as enlightenment or becoming a buddha or finding Christ. No one can "attain" or "achieve" enlightenment since enlightenment is the realization in which there is no self in which to become enlightened. Enlightenment is the letting go of the "self" that you created that doesn't exist. Some of us are afraid that if we become enlightened that we will vanish, and it'll be like we never existed. The you that is worried about not existing is the same you that already knows it doesn't exist and is trying to continue its imagined existence. Your true nature can never die, unlike your concept of "self".

Enlightenment isn't just the knowledge of how it all works but also the experience itself. We can't truly understand anything until we experience it firsthand. None of us had a clue what an orgasm was like until we experienced our first one and it changed the way we saw the world. Those of us who have never had an orgasm will never be able to understand what it feels like. Enlightenment without firsthand experience is like being an expert on sex and having never had an orgasm. Enlightenment is the knowledge, understanding, and the experience. Knowledge can be acquired. Wisdom comes from within, wisdom appears to come from the unconscious. Wisdom is the inner knowing of the truth which is the "self" that you created doesn't exist.

We can see that on the individual level how the "self" creates our imagined consciousness and our assumed "opposite" the unconscious. On the individual level there is no consciousness or unconsciousness, and that which applies to one individual applies to all individuals. Our true nature cannot be named or labeled because as soon as it's labeled it becomes part of the "self", in order to see our true nature, we must look past the "self" and we can only do that by not naming it or labeling it. Since our true nature cannot be named, it becomes very hard to even describe. How does one describe that which cannot be named? The closest description that we might be able to get would be "awareness-ish" but even that adds the assumption that there is something which is aware which in turn creates the "self" and a "self" cannot possess awareness.

The individual "self" that thinks it has a consciousness and an unconsciousness knows that we are all the same and that we are all connected, therefor we all have a "universal or collective unconscious." Since there is no individual consciousness or unconsciousness, there is no universal consciousness or unconsciousness. On an individual level all that can be said is "I AM" anything beyond that is just part of the created "self". Since we all have the same feeling and experience of "I AM", we are all one. Every human on earth knows in our hearts that we all have an "I AM" feeling. That "I AM" feeling is who we are, as soon as we add any labels or descriptions, we "become" that label or description. Become aware of the "I AM" within without adding anything to that statement and you are aware of your true nature. Love and Peace!

The Moment You Were Born For

We are here for a reason; we are here to serve a purpose. We don't know what we are here for, we don't know what our purpose is. Chances are that if we knew the exact moment we were born for, we would probably find a way to screw it up by overthinking it. Us humans tend to overthink things a little. Maybe after we leave these bodies, we will discover what our purpose was, the moment that we were born for and just how important and impactful that moment was.

There once was a woman who gave another woman a compliment. The woman who received the compliment was taken aback, she hadn't received a compliment in quite some time, and it made the day seem that much brighter. She felt a little lighter than she had in a while. She was so caught up in the moment that she didn't realize the subway had left without her. It was ok though, she didn't mind waiting for the next one, she could be late to work once in a while, she had a really understanding boss, she rather liked her job. As the next subway approached, she noticed a man drop something at the other end of the platform. She ran down there and grabbed what he dropped and made it onto the subway just as the doors were closing. She found the man and returned the item he dropped which happened to be a book.

Feeling rather confident from the compliment she received earlier she decided to sit next to the man, she liked his energy, he reminded her of her brother. Her brother was very caring and protective of her, and she liked that about him, she could feel those same aspects radiating from this man. They started talking about books since her getting the one that he dropped was a good starting point. They talked about all their favorite books and they both agreed to try a new book that the other suggested. When her stop came up, they said goodbye to each other, and she went on her way. 

Some time went by, and the man finally found some time to read the book she suggested to him. He thought the book was ok, he wasn't sure that he would suggest it himself, but it was for an interesting read. Years go by and the man never thinks about the book or even the encounter with the woman. It becomes a forgotten memory. Then one day about twenty years later has a coworker say something to him. The phrase that the coworker spoke suddenly unlocked a sentence from the book he had read so many years. For some unknown reason that one sentence just clicked into place in his mind and combined with all the information he had acquired since that book, and he could see the answer so clearly that he questioned how he was never able to see it before. 

He immediately went to work and within a few short years, he eradicated cancer. He found the cure; he found the solution. All because of some book he read which was suggested by a stranger on the subway who he only met because he dropped a book. That woman only decided to sit and talk to him because of the confidence she was feeling from receiving a compliment from another woman. The woman who complimented her only decided to do so because her child called her mama for the first time, and she wanted to share her joy with someone else.  

You could be the child who simply says mama and changes the entire world. If it weren't for you existing and being alive in that moment the rest of the chain of events wouldn't have happened and you didn't have any knowledge that you had ever even done anything. You were born for a moment in which you cannot know. This could be your moment or maybe you have already had your moment and your just meant to relax the rest of the time your here. Maybe your moment has not come yet, but you won't know when it does and there isn't anything you can do to change it so why bother trying? Just relax and know that it will happen on its own. You are here for a purpose, and you are not meant to know that purpose, outside of your purpose, you are meant to enjoy life and fun. Love and Peace!

The purpose of life is to be happy and have fun.

- Michael, Age 9

Free Will Vs. A Perfect World

We want free will, but we also want a perfect world, the kind of world where everyone gets along and sings Kumbaya. World peace and all. We can't have world peace while having free will. World peace and free will occurring simultaneously is an impossibility. In order for world peace to happen, everyone would have to have the same beliefs. Free will cannot exist when everyone believes the same thing. In order for someone to have their own belief which is different from everyone else there has to be free will. Free will is what gives a person the ability to choose to believe a different belief than someone else. When everyone believes the same thing and there is no ability to have a different belief there is no free will.

By advocating for world peace, we are advocating for the elimination of free will. By advocating for free will, we are eliminating the option for world peace. As long as there is more than one person with free will, there will always be someone who believes something different. People who try to convert other people's beliefs are essentially attempting to suppress that persons free will along with their own. People who try to convert unbelievers into believing in their personal beliefs are only doing so to get to their version of heaven or peace without realizing that by stripping another of their free will, they are doing the same thing to themselves. Free will only works when everyone has it, not when you convert everyone into your belief. 

As long as there is free will, there will never be world peace. The closest we could get to having free will and world peace is if the majority of us just keeping our beliefs to ourselves and not giving a shit about anyone else's beliefs. The majority of us not trying to convert people or control people just because they happen to believe something different. But with free will, there will always be those who believe they "need" to convert others' beliefs and there will always be those who believe that by suppressing someone's free will, that they are somehow saving them, from what they may not know.

Complete world peace is impossible as long as free will is around, but we can get close. We can live in a world filled with peace and harmony. All we need to do is stop trying to convert other people's beliefs and take away their free will. Stop wasting so much time and energy fighting and arguing over different beliefs. Focus on our own beliefs and trust that everyone else knows what they are doing with their own lives. Why do we need others to believe the same as us? Why do we care what anyone else believes? Life is so much easier when you just believe whatever it is that you believe and when you don't give a shit what anyone else believes. No need to defend beliefs. No need to fight over beliefs. No need to go to war over beliefs. No need to change anyone's beliefs. No need to do anything. Love and Peace! 

What If?

What if humans aren't as smart as we believe ourselves to be? What if there is a much higher level of intelligence than we are currently at? What if our level of intelligence is just part of the overall evolutionary process of intelligence in the universe? What if other species have already passed through the level of intelligence that humans are at now and are more evolved than us humans are. Maybe us humans only think that we are the most intelligent beings in the world because we are the only ones who seem to have the need to make it known to the world that we are in fact the smartest species to ever exist. What if the higher intelligence and more evolved species are quietly watching us humans make asses out of ourselves. If you were to announce that you were the smartest human to ever exist, that statement would be tested and verified by outside sources. Us humans say that we are the smartest species to ever live but we have no outside sources that are testing or verifying that opinion.  

Bigotry of any kind comes from ignorance. The less intelligent a person is the higher the chances of them being a bigot. Not that the less intelligent are more evil or immoral, it's simply a lack of knowledge on their part. Someone with low intelligence doesn't understand that people of "different" races, ethnicities, or genders are all still people and they deserve the same type of treatment as themselves. The lower the intelligence someone has, the more likely they are to believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The higher our intelligence level, the more we see all humans for what they are, which is human, no separation, no "difference", and no hierarchy. We are all in this together, all we have is each other and we're too busy fighting each other to see it. Doesn't sound very intelligent, does it?

Gain even more intelligence and you start to realize that all life is precious and equal. Animals are not machines and food. Plants are not building materials. Insects are not pests. Everything on this planet lives in perfect symbiosis and doesn't need humans to do a damn thing to save it. Humans attempt of "fixing" and "saving" the world is what's causing it harm. We humans are the pests of this world. Constantly killing just for the sake of killing. Constantly grabbing up all the resources we can until they are all gone, and we don't really care about future generations. We consume and consume and consume and never ever have enough of anything, leaving nothing behind for anyone who comes after. Humans may think that is a smart way to live but there won't be any future generations left to care how smart we thought we were. If humans were actually smart, we would be living for future generations, we wouldn't be needlessly killing everything we can get our hands on.

Humans are nowhere near as smart as we think that we are. Humans are just a species with a very big ego and the more intelligent you become, the less of an ego you have. You see everything for what it is, which is perfect, where nothing if flawed, and everything is essential. You see there is no need to do anything, you see there is nothing you can do, and you see that you don't have to change anything. The less you need to speak, the less you need to convince others how smart you are. People who are intelligent know that they are, and they don't need other people to confirm it for them, often the quietest person in the room is the most intelligent. We all know that person who just can't seem to stop telling everyone just how smart they are, it's because they are looking for validation from someone else in order to make them feel better about their insecurities about not being smart. 

Maybe there are species around us with a much higher intelligence and they are so intelligent that they don't have the need to make it known to us. Maybe they are just watching us and waiting for us to get our heads out of our asses. Maybe some species are just using us as their slaves and are so smart they are able to do it in a way where we believe that being their slave was in fact our idea and we don't even realize that we are their slaves. Maybe that same species has even gotten us to build towers and statutes in their honor. That same species is able to live a life of comfort and a life being worshipped, and a life of ecstasy. That same species has the ability to do anything they want and get away with it. That same species is the ruler in it's kingdom and doesn't give shit about anything but rest and play. Some may say that cats are the most intelligent species on the planet. Who wouldn't want to live the kind of life a cat does?

The next time you see someone being racist, or sexist, or just plain mean. Remember that they are not that way on purpose, it is simply a lack of intelligence, and they can't help it. How do we stop racism and sexism and all bigotry? By giving those of us who lack intelligence the gift of intelligence. By telling them that being a bigot is not ok and that all humans are still human even if you don't agree with them or like them. By telling them that the color of a person's skin doesn't make them any less human. By telling them that any and all genders are still human even if you don't like it or agree with it. By telling them that just because they don't believe something that someone else does, doesn't give them the right to be an asshole to that person. By telling them it much easier to be nice to people than to be mean. By telling them how much better life is when you have less hate in your heart. By telling them that there is nothing wrong with them and there is nothing wrong with anyone else either. 

The higher intelligence someone has, the higher their empathy, understanding, patience, and forgiving nature. The lower intelligence someone has the less empathetic, understanding, patient, and forgiving they are. This all being said there is a cheat code to this which completely negates all of this out. Love is the cheat code. If someone has Love in their heart, intelligence itself vanishes and all that is left is Love. There is no one who is smarter and there is no one who is dumber. Intelligence itself is a mass delusion within the species of human. Intelligence doesn't exist, we only think that it does. 

In the beginning was the word (speech). After the word came, man had an idea that he could do something wrong (eat the wrong fruit) which was caused by doubt (Satan). Man, then used the words to decide that if he could do something he could surely be punished (be kicked out of the garden). Those same words convinced man he needed to be saved from his wrongdoing, so a Saviour was sent to save mankind (Jesus). Jesus is the word in physical form, the word that was sent to save mankind from the word doubt (Satan). Jesus is the symbol for the liberation of the belief that man can do anything wrong or that man is being punished. 

In man's attempt to avoid punishment from the idea that man can do wrong, man tries to find others to put "beneath" them in order to avoid the dreaded punishment that never seems to come. This is where intelligence, hierarchy, and slavery come from. Humans avoid their fear of punishment by punishing others. Humans are a species that go around punishing everything and everyone all the time. Look around and you'll know this to be true. Maybe, just maybe, humans are of the lowest intelligence on the planet since we all believe a silly little idea that we can do something wrong and then be punished for it. Maybe by humans learning the ability to speak we fucked ourselves by creating the word doubt and then believing in that word, even though it's literally a made-up word by someone in the past. Love and Peace!