Self-Destructive Behavior

Dear friend,

I write to you as your friend who is concerned about you. I want you to be the happiest and healthiest person that you can be. I see that you still indulge in self-destructive behavior, and you fail to see that you're just playing out old habits. I see how much you look down on yourself for those old behaviors and how sad it makes you. 

I know that you beat yourself up for your behavior, I know that you want to stop but you don't know how to. You started this self-destructive behavior because you needed it at the time. You needed the comfort and turned to a self-destructive behavior to get some dopamine in order to just feel alive. We both know that’s not who you are anymore. You are strong and smart and Loved; you don’t need to indulge in that behavior any longer.

I am here for you, and we will get through this together. First, stop beating yourself up about it. It's ok, you will be ok. You are strong! Second allow yourself to still do the self-destructive behavior but just reduce the amount of time you spend doing it. If you spend an hour on average indulging in self-destructive behavior, simply reduce the time to half an hour or if that seem too hard, try 45 minutes. You know what you can handle and what you can't. Do what you know you can do, as long as you're bringing your time down.

In the future when you're feeling stronger and more confident you can cut the time down even more. Eventually you may reach a point where you never do it again, or you may reach a point where you allow yourself to only do it a healthy amount of time. You will know when you reach that point but that is a long way off and not worth thinking about right now. For now, just cut the time down a little bit.

The reason you feel insecure is because you’re ashamed of your self-destructive behavior. I know that your embarrassed and feel ashamed, I know that you hide your behavior hoping no one will find out. It's ok. We have a plan now, so it’ll work itself out, just give it time. It’ll be ok. One step at a time friend. You’ll be where you want to be one day but for now, we’re going to focus on cutting back. You got this!

I Love you; it’ll be ok. People will see the real you! People will see how amazing you are, someone as beautiful as you can’t stay hidden. You are a precious gem, and you shine brighter than you can imagine, people will see that, there are already people who see you, you just don’t see them yet. You will though. You will achieve everything that you want, and you will have everything you want. You are AMAZING!!!

I Love you so much, Peace be with you.

Gratitude

The purpose of gratitude is to help with the realization that we are not alone and that we have everything we need. God does not need us to thank him for anything, God gives with an open heart free of charge and asks nothing in return. Gratitude is not for God but for the individual.

An individual who practices unrelenting constant gratitude will always be at peace for they will always know that they have everything that they need at any given time. That "but" that you just heard in your mind is you trying to convince yourself that you do not in fact have everything you need.

What does one need in this life? To be alive, that's it. Otherwise, you would be dead in which case you wouldn't need anything. Your here to serve a purpose, there is a reason for everything and everyone, if there wasn't a purpose, nothing would be here. Since we are all here for a reason we cannot die until we fulfill that purpose. We are essentially invincible. The kicker is most of us don't get to know our purpose, so we never know when we are going to die. That would take the fun out of it. If you know what your purpose is, you might decide to "do it early" or "put off doing it" as to live longer. Sorry but there is no cheating fate. We all have a different and individual purpose for being here and then we die. 

Until we fulfill our purpose and die our only "need" is to be alive in order to fulfill our purpose. As already explained it is an impossibility to die before we serve our purpose. The fact is we don't even "need" to be alive. One could say that we don't "need" anything. If you're reading this that means that you are in fact alive and that means that you already have way more than you "need". You have had enough food and water to still be alive your entire life. You have gotten to see beauty all around you every day without even being aware of it. You have gotten to hear music which could be argued serves no purpose other than for the pure joy of it. Music simply exists for the sake of existing.

Life could be contemplated in the same way music can be. Existing simply for the sake of existing. Is it possible that your purpose is to have fun, enjoy the beauty of it all, and appreciate the peculiarity of it all? Maybe you won't die until you've had all the fun and seen all the beauty that you can handle. Or maybe there is a deeper purpose to it all. Humans have been questioning the purpose of it all since we first became self-aware. Whether we are here for no reason whatsoever or for a very specific reason, it doesn't change the fact that we are here, and we will be here until it is our time to die. So, until that time there is nothing that we need and yet we have everything and then some.  

Anything you think you "need" is only you telling yourself that thing you desire will make you happier. You only think you "need" something else in order to be happy because you are not grateful for what you have, simple as that. Be grateful for everything you have, and you will see there is nothing else you "need". Love and Peace!

Contrary Beliefs

Contrary beliefs also referred to as cognitive dissonance are two beliefs that are held that are in direct opposition to each other. Holding onto these contradicting beliefs causes undo stress and frustration. A simple way of improving happiness and reducing stress is to simply be willing to look at and question our own internal conflicting beliefs.

When a group form who hold onto the same cognitive dissonance it creates a collective cognitive dissonance. An example of this would be people who judge, condemn, fight, hate, and even kill in the name of Jesus Christ. While Jesus Christ himself taught only Love and acceptance. Another example would be a group of people who are very vocal and active in the fight against climate change all the while creating more pollution and emissions than the majority of the population. 

The argument could be made that they are just hypocrites when in reality, it's due to collective cognitive dissonance. These followers of Jesus Christ actually believe that they are Loving people by condemning them and hating them. A follower of Jesus Christ once stated, "to love your neighbor doesn't mean you should actually love them, what is really means is you show them your love by converting them to Christianity through any means necessary in order to save their eternal soul, it's irrelevant if some people commit suicide in the process because they feel hated." That statement was paraphrased but you can be assured that an actual follower of Jesus Christ made that statement. Some followers of Jesus Christ truly believe that in order to love someone it is ok to hate them. In fact, it is almost required to hate them in order to love them. Completely unable to see the contradiction within that cognitive dissonance.

The other example that was used was those who are publicly outspoken about climate change and yet proceed to own private jets and yachts and mansions destroying the planet. They believe that climate change is real, and people should step up to do something about it. They also believe that they need the private jets and yachts and mansions. They fail to see that they themselves are responsible for more pollution than sometimes millions of people combined. They fail to see their own cognitive dissonance.

Now onto personal cognitive dissonance. The belief that "I don't want to be alone", along with the belief that "I don't like people". Pretty easy to see how those beliefs conflict. Another example is that "I don't like drama" combined with the belief that "drama is how I get attention". One last example is "I want a job" and "I'm no good at anything". Cognitive dissonance can essentially apply to any belief we hold onto that contradicts another.

We place our cognitive dissonance onto other people as well. Telling someone "Do as I say or else" while at the same time telling them "There's no need to be afraid of me". We can do this with our actions as well. We can abuse someone while telling them that we love them. Tell someone we forgive them while holding a grudge.

Cognitive dissonance only creates chaos and stress within our minds and the minds of those around us. Saying one thing and doing the opposite. Saying two conflicting things. Sometimes we aren't even aware of either belief and they are acted out through our subconscious. Sometimes we are only aware of one of the beliefs and not aware of the other in turn causing our conscious mind to battle our subconscious mind. 

Imagine your mind as a flowing river and when you are at one with yourself and are free of cognitive dissonance there is a smooth uninterrupted flow. Cognitive dissonance creates dams, barriers, forks and just plain disorder. We experience stress, confusion, anxiety, guilt, shame, depression, and anger. Cognitive dissonance upsets the natural state of our mind inviting dis-ease.

What can we do about this? Simply be willing to look at our beliefs and why we believe them. Maybe we are still holding onto a belief that benefited us at one time but is no longer relevant in our lives. Maybe the belief was never true in the first place. Maybe we are holding onto a belief simply because we wish it were true when we know in fact that it is not. We all have our own reasons motivations for holding onto our beliefs and it's up to each and every one of us to figure out why if we so choose. Love and Peace!

Affirmations

The purpose of affirmations is to change our perspective of ourselves. Many of us are already telling ourselves who we are with cognitive distortions. We constantly replay phrases to ourselves in our minds where we are telling ourselves who we are. Some common examples are "I'm so stupid", "I'm no good at anything", "no one likes me", "I could never do that", "I can't do anything right", "I will never be happy", "everything is always my fault", and so on and so forth. 

Simply put affirmations are a conscious choice to change our perspective of ourselves using positive phrases instead of the self-defeating and self-harming phrases that lead to isolation and desperation. It is the decision to change what we believe about ourselves for the better, so we are able to live happier and more fulfilling lives. The issue we see with affirmations is we aren't able to see the effects of them immediately and sometimes it may take months or years for us to notice any effect. For those of us who try affirmations, we more than likely will give up after a short period of time not having seen an effect.

If you are the type of person who has been using cognitive distortions your entire life and have a negative perspective of yourself. Using affirmations a few times isn't going to make up for a lifetime of you telling yourself the opposite. If you are always telling yourself about how "stupid" you are, that has become a belief about yourself that you hold dear, that belief has become somewhat of a comfort to you. You may find that hard to believe, that you find the fact that you tell yourself that you're stupid is comforting to you, but we all find comfort in consistency. Many of us don't like change, so changing our own beliefs can be uncomfortable and even terrifying for some. If we don't want to be "stupid" anymore and we decide to make that change, the only way to do that is to change our belief about ourselves. We do that by telling ourselves what we want to believe and that is where affirmations come into play. 

We change our belief that we are "stupid" by simply repeating "I am smart" every chance we get. The more we do it, the more we will believe it. If we only tell ourselves once a day "I am smart" but inside our mind we are still repeating "I'm so stupid" a dozen times a day, that one time we tell ourselves "I am smart" is competing against all those "I'm so stupid" thoughts. The absolute best method to overcoming the "I'm so stupid" thought is to counter it with "I am smart" every single time it is thought. We can even go above and beyond that and add the affirmation every hour on the hour, every day until eventually our belief that "I'm so stupid" inevitably changes to "I am smart". A time will come when you will no longer need the affirmation since your belief will change, you will truly believe that you are smart and will no longer believe that you are stupid. 

We hold within us the ability and the power to believe anything we want to about ourselves. We see it all around us every day, where someone believes themselves to be something with which no one else believes them to be. You choose what you believe about yourself, you choose who you are. You do so by telling yourself what you believe and who you are. If you want to change what you believe or who you are, simply change what you tell yourself. 

Some of us spend our entire lives reinforcing our false beliefs about ourselves by taking on the identity of that false belief. It can be anything from being a "victim" to being "sick" to having "misery" or "drama". When we believe something about ourselves to be true, we attract people and situations into our lives in order to reinforce the belief. We don't like to have our beliefs challenged so we ignore things that contain evidence to the contrary of our beliefs. If someone believes that everyone is against them, and their identity has become a "victim" they will refuse to acknowledge any evidence to the contrary. They could have everything they ever wanted, and everything could go perfectly in their life, and they will still find a way to be a "victim" through it all. 

Most of us know or have known someone like this. Someone who is never happy with anything in life and who always finds something to complain about, all the while we're trying to tell them about all the good things that they have if they would only open their eyes and look. They literally cannot see any good in their life, they will not allow themselves to. If they were to see the good in their life, the identity of "victim" would go out the window. Since they hold that identity so dear, they wouldn't know who they were without it and that is a truly terrifying concept, to not know who you are.

We don't have to lose our identity in order to change it. We can transform our identity. Someone who has the identity of "victim" can change it to the identity of "hero" or "survivor" or "warrior" or whatever term they prefer. The truth is we don't change unless we want to. If someone is a "victim" it's only because they choose to be and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. Love and Peace!

Self-Forgiveness

Unless you're perfect you have made a mistake. We humans all make mistakes, usually on daily basis. Our pride tries to convince us that we are lacking in mistakes while it is everyone else who are the chronic mistake makers. By not acknowledging our own shortcomings and missteps we lead ourselves into self-regret, self-resentment, and sometimes self-hate.

How often do we make a mistake and then replay that mistake over and over in our mind. Each time we replay it we become more embarrassed of ourselves and feel more ashamed. Shame can be an ugly emotion when it comes around, it can lead to anger, depression, and anxiety. If we have enough shame, it may lead us to some dark places. We double down on our shame by telling ourselves how much of a failure we are. We say that we won't do the thing that caused us to feel ashamed in the first place and that'll fix the shame. We always end up doing it again anyway despite how much we don't want to, which only increases the shame that we feel. An endless cycle of making a mistake, feeling ashamed, promising ourselves not to make the same mistake, making that same mistake again and rinse and repeat.

The only way to free ourselves from this cycle of mistakes and shame is to forgive ourselves. So often we find it damn near impossible to forgive ourselves. Why is that? Why is it that we can forgive others of their mistakes, but we find it so hard to forgive our own? Could it be a lack of self-compassion? Maybe it's a lack of self-awareness, or the inability to even admit we had made a mistake. The single greatest thing anyone can admit to themselves is "I was wrong", the only way to forgive yourself is to first admit that you made a mistake. The second step is to be compassionate and understanding with yourself. Realizing that you aren't perfect, the same as everyone else. Thirdly forgive yourself. It's really that simple. That doesn't necessarily mean that you won't ever make that same mistake again, but if you do you know how to handle the mistake the next time. 

We have this weird feature within us that makes us do things we're not supposed to do. Everyone knows the about the "big red button" analogy. We're faced with a big red button that says "do not push" and what's our first instinct? To push the button and damn the consequences. Our mistakes work in the same manner. We tell ourselves not to make that mistake again a.k.a. not to push the big red button, which in turn causes us to make that mistake again. It is only by 1. admitting we made a mistake 2. being compassionate with ourselves and 3. forgiving ourselves that we are able to free ourselves. The mistake is no longer a big red button that we aren't supposed to push instead it becomes what it truly is which is just a mistake.

When we are able to see a mistake for what it truly is, we are able to learn from it. That doesn't mean that we will never make that mistake again, it just means we will be aware of it. When we are aware of it, we can see how it makes us feel, how it makes others feel, and how it effects our life and certain situations. If we don't like how the mistake interferes with these aspects of ourselves, we will be motivated to change the behavior to improve our lives. Forgiveness is the path out of compulsory mistakes. The more we fight our mistake, the more they appear. The more we forgive our mistakes, the less significant they become and will eventually vanish from our lives. A person who practices self-forgiveness will never make a mistake again, they will only have opportunities to improve their wellbeing. Forgive yourself, you deserve to be forgiven, you don't deserve to be living your life in shame. All is well, all is forgiven. Love and Peace!