Am I Real?

I have no idea what is reality and what is fiction. Can’t tell the difference. Everything feels like fiction to me.

Am I real or am I the figment of someone’s imagination? If I’m not real then why do I feel like I am? If I am real then why does the world treat me like I’m invisible?

I only seem to be visible when people want a scapegoat or a punching bag.

Why doesn’t anyone Love me? Why doesn’t anyone like me?

Why have I been beaten, raped, abused and neglected My entire life? What did I do to deserve this life of never ending loneliness and solitude?

People say to ask for help and on the rare occasion you do ask there isn’t any help if you happen to be in a man’s body. Yet I still come running anytime anyone else asks for help.

Start Attracting

A lighthouse attracts ships. A god attracts mortals. Be a lighthouse in the dark. Be a god among mortals. Be who you were meant to be. Be you. Stop trying to be someone you aren't.

A person who stands true to themselves and withstands all the pressures of the external world to be anything other than what they are, will result in a polished diamond. They will be royalty and a god among the humans. A person who gives in to the pressures of the external world to be someone other than who they are, will continue to be tormented by them. One is heaven and the other is hell, we all have the ability to choose for ourselves where we want to be. Peace and Love!

Oh you can't get out backwards, you have to go forwards to go back. - Willy Wonka

Stop Chasing

Are you the type of person who chases affection, validation, and Love from others? Simply stop chasing. When you chase Love or affection from others, you create the false belief within yourself that you don't have those things in which you are chasing and therefor you chase them. By not chasing things from others, we untangled the illusion of not being enough independently. You are enough. You have everything you need. There is nothing wrong with you. You do not need anyone to complete you. You are whole, complete, and perfect.

Why do you need to chase Love from others when you are Love itself?
Why do you need to chase attention from others when you can give yourself attention?
Why do you need validation from others when you can validate yourself?
Why do you need to be around others to avoid loneliness when you are never alone?
Why do you seek that which you already have?
Why do you question that which you already know?
Why do you doubt when you are peace itself?
Why do you fear when there is nothing to fear?

When we stop chasing, we stop believing that we are lacking. When we stop believing we are lacking, we see our true perfection shining for all to see. When we see our true perfection, we see the perfection within everything.

You lack for nothing.
You need do nothing.
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are perfect exactly as you are.
Thank you for being you.
Peace and Love!

Loneliness

We see animals in nature reject an offspring. Left on its own the offspring will more than likely not survive. If another animal, whether it be of the same species or different species, decides to take care of the abandoned offspring, the offspring will likely flourish. Humans also being animals will often reject their offspring also. The difference between the other animals and humans is cruelty. When any other animal rejects its offspring that offspring either parishes or is found by another "parent'. When humans reject their offspring, they don't set them free to let nature takes its course. 

Humans often won't even seek out a valid replacement "parent". Humans will reject their offspring and since it is illegal to just dump them on the side of the road, the humans will then take it out on the offspring in which they rejected for having to raise something they don't want. I referred to the rejected offspring as a thing because that is how the parents see the child after they have decided to reject it. It is impossible for the parent to see the child they rejected as a human because that would evoke their empathy within. 

In a hypothetical world where we live as the rest of the animals do. Where we just openly reject our offspring instead doing it in private and pretending to be a "parent". Where we don't punish the rejected offspring for being forced to still raise them. Where we allow nature to take its course. Most of our trauma would vanish. Rejecting offspring is a normal part of nature, yet we humans think we are above our very own nature and see rejecting offspring as such an "evil sin". Life continues on by selecting life that is best suited for the continuation of life. Sometimes a life form isn't compatible with life, and nature has its own methods for this situation. One of those methods is rejecting offspring.

When humans reject their offspring and continues to raise the "thing" in which they rejected. IT COMPLETELY FUCKS UP THE OFFSRPING!!! Often times beyond repair. When a human is rejected by its life form givers, it creates a belief within the rejected child that they are unlovable, and they would be better off if they didn't exist. Through in the abuse that usually comes along with being rejected and that creates a belief within the offspring where they believe they deserve pain and misery. When the rejected offspring is used as a workhorse and not allowed to express any type of individuality it creates the belief that they need to earn Love and attention and the only way they can exist is by serving others.

I was a rejected offspring. I was neglected, abused, and tortured. I was treated like an object and not a person. I was never allowed to develop an identity of my own. I have never had family. I have never wanted to exist, I have never known general happiness. I am hyper-vigilant of everything all the time. I am a highly sensitive person who more than likely is neurodivergent, just never tested since I never had anyone looking out for me. I was punished for my "quirks". I was punished for everything and nothing. I learned how to hide, how to become invisible. I have had depression and anxiety for most of my life.

The spiritual path comes very easily to me. The spiritual path is about letting go, I never really had anything that I could call mine so that was easy. The spiritual path is about dying before you die which is allowing the ego to die, I never developed an ego since I never existed as a human. Since my family are "Christians" which I use that very loosely, since they do the opposite of what Christ taught. I convinced myself that if I could be like Christ then I would be good enough for their Love. I became a pastor, a Doctor, and became completely selfless asking nothing and only giving. This entire site is a testament to me trying to earn Love. I also thought that since I couldn't seem to find anyone to help me, Love me, or just plain give a shit about me that maybe I could help others.

I give away all my Love because I was taught that I didn't deserve any. I punish myself because I was taught that I deserve to be punished for existing. I was taught that I was not and am not supposed to exist. I blame myself for everything because I was taught that I was to blame for everything that went wrong in anyone else's life. I have had an intensely deep feeling of loneliness my entire life that nothing ever seems to cure. I am an old soul because I was never allowed to be a child. I was the adult in the house even though I was the child. I have a very deep longing to connect with others but never seem to be able to figure out how to. I wasn't taught how to be in relationships with others, in fact I was even punished for any relationships I attempted to have. 

If you are a rejected offspring, you are not alone. I feel that loneliness just as deeply as you. I feel that sense of inadequacy all the time too. I have felt constant panic and dread just as you. I have felt extreme hopelessness and isolation. I have felt it all and I have felt nothing. When I discovered how my family treated me and when I started to see through the illusion of "family" I was imprisoned in, I turned to my "friends" and found out I had none. I now walk the path of solitude. It is what it is, Que Sera, Sera. Peace and Love friends!

Baby Blanket

Babies establish object permanence in order to feel a sense of security. Babies need that feeling of security in order to grow and function throughout the different stages of their life. A baby who does not receive a sense of security will turn into an insecure adult. Baby blankets can be used as objects that create object permeance as can Loving parental figures. A baby who has neither Loving parental figures or objects which are considered the babies, the baby does not learn object permanence and therefor becomes insecure. When we have our baby blanket long enough to develop object permeance, we no longer need to constantly reach for the blanket, since we learn it will be there when we are ready to come back to it. When a baby has a consistent Loving figure in their life they can develop object permanence.

The thing that probably surprised me the most on my spiritual journey is the realization that I was literally attempting to cling to my own body. My path is simply to let go and relax, I need do nothing. When I got for enough into the habit of relaxing, I discovered that I had this constant tension within my body and couldn't seem to figure out the source of it. I just kept practicing relaxing and I eventually realized I was trying to hold onto my body. The best way I could describe is my spirit body was trying to hold onto my physical body, which for anyone doesn't know, is impossible. I realized that I was using my body as a baby blanket. As a baby who lacked object permeance, at some point in time I started trying to use my body. When I got older, I learned that even my body could be abused and yet I still tried to hold on to it, if not even harder.

Anytime I feel tension or stress in my body I simply ask myself, "what I am trying to do" or "what am I clinging to". If I can feel that I'm trying to cling to my body, I simply let go and stop trying. Once you feel the relaxation that comes from not trying to hold the body it'll become as obvious as breathing anytime you attempt to grab on in the future. Tension comes from attempting to grab the body. Let go and see that it's impossible to hold onto. What is death? Letting go of the body, nothing more and nothing less. Simply let go of the body now and feel the freedom of eternal bliss.

The other major stressor is if I am "trying" to do something. Yoda was right on the money when he told us that there is no try. Trying is an impossibility. Repeatedly not doing something until you do it is what we call trying. Otherwise not doing something and never doing it is called failing. Likewise doing something all the time is called winning. It all still boils down to either doing something or not doing something. Try doesn't exist. So, stop trying and just do or don't do, in the end it doesn't matter for all that will be, will be. Love and Peace!